Mar 022010

We’re looking at What Women Want Wednesday again. This is the second in the I-don’t-know-how-many-parts series. This week women want…

… to be wanted.

I mean waaaaaanted.

Without that feeling of being wanted… well, it’s awful to feel that your partner is only interested in sex generically and that you’re just the most readily available, adequate source of this high-demand, low-supply commodity.

“I want to get laid, and you’re here,” she can hear you think as you inattentively huff your way toward the inevitable sweaty disappointment that is post-coitus with you.

I mean.

She wants you to be obsessed by the memory of the smell of her skin. She wants you to feel a hard jolt of longing when she enters a room, a physical reaction that locks your eyes on her and only her. She wants you to want her. Her.

Read a romance novel – any one will do, they’re all the same – and you’ll find that the hero is utterly besotted with the heroine, however unwillingly, and simply can’t get her out of his thoughts. He wants her. First he wants to fuck her, then he wants to be near her, and then he wants never to be away from her.

Don’t take this the wrong way. Women decidedly do not want to be viewed as objects of sexual gratification, not just as bodies…. but we might want to be viewed, outside the cold light of the politics of gender, as objects of sexual worship, as divine entities in physical form.

Think reverence. Think supplicant. Think vespers.

And then think tangible lovely round body of divinity in the bed, holy fucking fuck, how did you get so lucky?

She, this one, this one you get to live with or sleep with or be with, this one is… SPECIAL. Glorious. You want her not as you want, say, a car or a TV or a promotion, but as you want… as you want to know the answers, as you want to feel at home, as you want to see your love reflected back at you from the eyes of another. She has the answers, she is your home, and she will show you the love that sustains you.

She wants to feel wanted – not for her body, but for her, uniquely.

One blog post at time, folks.

Making the world a better place for women is a long, steady slog.

Confidence, joy, and lube,

Mar 022010

I love when this happens.

At the same time that I write about self-monitoring (spectatoring) and its effect on women’s orgasms, the NYT does me a favor and writes about self-monitoring (ironic monitoring) on sleep.

Notice: different behavior, same dynamic. When you are trying to do something that would otherwise be a natural reaction of your body to internal and external stimuli, you actually make it less likely that your body will do it.

I saw Dan Wegner give a talk way back in 1997, when he presented data on people’s ability to hold a pendulum still. Goes like this: Give a person a weight on a string and tell them to dangle it, unmoving, over the center of a table with a target-shape drawn on it. The higher the stakes of holding still, the MORE the pendulum moved. It’s an easy task, right? Hold still. But the more you try to hold still, the more you fail to hold still.

The best way to fall asleep, have an orgasm, eat healthfully, etc etc etc, is to allow it to happen, without trying.

Um, this probably falls into the “easier said than done” category. But practice the stuff from the preceding post, and it’ll help, it really will!