Apr 132010

Lately Wednesdays have been What Women Want Wednesdays. But this week’s is an extra-special, MUSICAL birthday edition of the sex nerd about what this particular woman wants.

In “Mary Poppins,” little Jane Banks sings about what she wants in her “Perfect Nanny.” (The rest of this post will make much more sense if you watch the original.)

So for my birthday, I have taken the liberty of rewriting the lyrics in the form of a birthday request for “The Perfect Manny.” D’you see.

CREDITS: Videography by my sister, who is a choral conductor and whose birthday it also is (that’s her cackling in the background at the end – she’s laughing at the expression on the dog’s face). Piano accompaniment played by her husband, also a professional musician. (BTW, the Fonotopia guy from Baltimore? That’s my brother. Everyone in my family is a musician, except me. Go figure.) Finally, that’s Addie, the fat little potato of a border terrier who lives with me.

The Perfect Manny

Wanted: a partner for one adorable woman.

If you want this choice position
Have no active drug addiction
Have a job
Vote left
Eschew contempt

You must attach secure or slightly
Anxious; also take god lightly.

Like it when life’s a bit complex.
Think well. Like sex.

Never stonewall or lie.
Never cri-ticize me when
I cry.

Tell me every day you love me,
And never feel that you’re above me.

If you won’t get cold
And defensive
I will never make you apprehensive

I won’t make you shop with me or hold my bag
Watch Jane Austen films, even when I’m on the rag

Let me know soon,
Just a word.

The sex

Apr 132010

I try not to be an angry ranting blogger, I do. Mostly I like being a helpful educational blogger who tells people how to have better sex, but if I don’t post the angry rants on the blog, then it bleeds out into my real life and I become extremely tedious to my friends, family, and co-workers. They all thank you for your tolerance.

So we have a new example of the ridiculous anthropomorphizing that I called Mistake 4: anthropomorphizing desire. Purportedly “scientists” (insert Dr Horrible-esque figure in evil white lab coat, threateningly large rubber gloves, and ominously opaque goggles here) are “turning moths gay” by spraying them with female pheromones. The males are attracted to the scent and therefore pursue the disguised males, thus decreasing egg fertilization.

(1) “Gay” is a human construct; no other species can be gay; see the careful and intelligent recent NYT Magazine article on the subject.

(2) But it’s even dumber than that. Male moths attracted to female pheromones is not homosexual behavior. Male moths attracted to MALE pheromones is homosexual behavior. If we MUST anthropomorphize, this is like a guy being attracted to a woman, only to find she’s a cross-dressing man, NOT like a guy being attracted to a guy.

That is all. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.