Women want…
… well, some of them want you to leave their clitorises WELL ALONE.
Have I mentioned lately that WOMEN VARY? One of the ways that women vary is in the directness of clitoral stimulation that they enjoy/can tolerate.
Some women are enthusiastically pro-diddle – they are strongly in favor of you planting a fingertip lightly but firmly just south of the glans clitoris and bobbling it rapidly up and down. Indeed, you may feel very pleased with yourself that you’ve found that a flicky tongue along the clitoral shaft can get your gal to the heights of ecstasy – very good, congratulations – but if that relationship ends and you find yourself with a new woman, you CAN’T assume that what worked for Lady A will also work for Lady B. Lady B might HATE IT when you flick her clit. Lady B may want you to leave the clit utterly alone and run your tongue in soft circles along her left labium.
For women like Lady B, direct stimulation can be irritating or even painful. Direct stimulation like that is way, way, way too much. You can’t know until you get there (or until she tells you, which is even better) whether or not she’s a direct stimulation kind of gal.
One clit-related truth that is nearly universal (of course nothing is truly universal among the female-bodied) is that you must pre-heat the oven, as it were.
This one Monty Python got genuinely right:
“What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate; give her a kiss, boy!” Then: suck the nipple, stroke the thigh, nibble the earlobe, knead the buttocks, “and so on and so forth. So we have all these possibilities before we STAMPEDE towards the clitoris, Watson.”
All in aid of getting the “vaginal juices flowing.” (Except of course we all know by now that just because a woman is well aroused doesn’t mean she’s necessarily well lubricated; and vice versa.)
A decent rule of thumb is to begin peripherally, delicately, and slowly, and gradually work your way closer to the clitoris, with increasing intensity and speed. Just HOW close, intense, and fast will depend on the woman, and will vary greatly from woman to woman. You have to play close attention to her arousal level and get all the feedback she’s interested in giving you.
(This is a classic men-women difference. With guys – again it’s not universally true, but it’s a decent rule of thumb – you can accost him after a shower and just put his whole, soft cock in your mouth if you like; you’ll catch him off guard, but the penis doesn’t need the warm-up act in the way the clit does.)
Context, context, context. Create a sexy context first, then commune with the clitoris.
emily nagoski
7 Responses to “what women want (12): leave that clit alone”
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It’s trivia, but Kathy Acker once said in an interview that she’d much rather be spanked than have her clit touched, and it drove her CRAZY that guys would just target that and….
Love the Monty Python quote, so true. It can be said that yes, while a woman might appreciate one paying attention to the clit, please don’t forget everything else. Much like some men will say “don’t ignore the boys”, women might want to say, “pay attention to all the layers along the path to what you might feel like is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow” ok, not well put, but hopefully you get the point.
thank you for a great post!
Fabulous post and much needed guidance!
Another important principal to keep in mind when approaching clitoral stimulation is to not ignore the rest of the female sexual system. The labia are often just spread open like they are gift wrap – shoved aside to get to the real prize. The labia can be highly sensitive, and stimulating all parts of the sexual system will allow more blood flow and thus more arousal to all parts.
Thanks for your great work Emily!
As someone who has to constantly remind her boyfriend to pay any attention to her clit (a2 of our 3 years together being sexually active), I would love your problem.
Once again, everyone’s different…
As someone who has to constantly remind her boyfriend to pay any attention to her clit (2 of our 3 years together being sexually active), I would love your problem.
Once again, everyone’s different…
THANK YOU. spread the word!
i am defiantly a “Lady B” and i’ve had to explain to every boyfriend i’ve ever had that my clitoris is very sensitive, DO NOT TOUCH IT DIRECTLY. every one of them looked a bit disappointed, i think because (and i speculate!) that removed the one reliable way they knew to help a woman to orgasm and they were facing relearning sex.
I agree, spread the word about taking the time to find out what turns each other on. I am also a ‘Lady B’ and find the direct touch of my clitoris, eye wateringly painful and do not fancy it man-handled. It isn’t fun walking around or even sitting down the next few days with a sore clitoris!
It’s not a race, preheat the oven as they say. The clitoris should not be treated like a penis despite its similar origins in the foetal stages. Good sex is to do with communication.