I’m in the throes of a Q&A. In this case the Q is, “I want to try X. How do I ask my partner for that?” But the A? I’m stuck.
I mean, the only appropriate answer is a patient, “Well, what is it that’s preventing you from asking?” to which the inevitable response is some variation on “Fear of rejection and judgment. Ultimately, abandonment and learning that, in confirmation of my worst fears, I really *am* unlovable after all.”
And what do you say to that? “You want X. You’re afraid that, in asking for X, you’ll lose Y. What can you ask for, and how can you ask, in a way that minimizes your fears?” And then you hope you’ve triggered some creative, self-reflective thinking.
I could go on and on, very boringly and tritely, about how our culture makes us hate our bodies in general and our sexualities in particular; I could talk about shame and guilt. I could lecture endlessly about communication skills, self-esteem and self-acceptance, the value of honesty, the importance – indeed the art – of hearing “no” without taking it personally.
But in the end, the answer to, “How do I ask my partner to…?” is “You just suck it up and ask.”
I’ve rarely struggled, myself, with asking for what I need or want – indeed, quite the opposite. I had to learn how to ask gently, starting with the good news, framing the question so that my partner felt like a hero, and asking for things in increments, so they could get used to new ideas.
It was never me who couldn’t ask; but I’ve had partners who wouldn’t. And there’s the rub. I think my frustration and helplessness with this question comes from my own history of having to beg partners please to just fucking tell me what they need, what they want, what they fear, what they expect.
So I was thinking: maybe – maybe – the way to motivate people to ask for what they want is not to help them manage their fear (i.e., reduce the perception of not-so-good consequences related to asking) as described above, but instead to explicate how much their partner suffers when they DON’T ask (i.e., INCREASE the perception of not-so-good consequences related to NOT asking).
Ask for what you want, I could say, because NOT asking for what you want is dishonest, selfish, and emotionally destructive. Ask, because not asking causes your partner constantly to worry about whether or not you’re getting what you need, and that constant worry erodes their patience and their happiness. Is that what you want? You’d rather nurse your fear and fill your partner with frustration and anxiety, than suck up your fear, ask for what you want, and free your partner to love you unencumbered by irrational guilt that they can’t read your mind?
Ask because not asking plants seeds of relational disintegration. Ask because you love them and want them to be happy. Ask, or you will always be alone.
Hrm.
Maybe not.
Maybe not that last one, but yes to all the rest. I have experienced similar frustrating, and wound up deciding on that explanation to try to get through to people. It doesn’t always work but it’s been the most effective.
My motivation for learning to ask (or to say no – generally to express my opinions on things) came from the frustration I was feeling when things didn’t go the way I wanted. I would be feeling frustrated and resentful at ending up in situations which weren’t what I wanted, but I couldn’t blame it on the people I was interacting with them because I hadn’t said and therefore they might not have known.
Of course, as it happened, the people I was interacting with ignored what I said when I said it anyway, but learning to ask/state was an important part of developing self-respect and of establishing once and for all the extent to which other people were acting inappropriately. Having asked (or said no), there could be no more “maybe he/she didn’t realise” or “maybe I wasn’t clear enough”. Stating my opinions freed me up to be legitimately angry with some of the people in my life. And with the others, wow, we came up with a plan which eventually suited all parties and everybody was happy. Such a difference!
I was generally completely unable to ask for what I wanted because I didn’t think my feelings or desires were important enough that anybody should even think about trying to satisfy them. I was lucky to have one kind, healthy person in my life, who I could practise asking for things of, and saying no to. Small things: “Sorry, but I’d rather not babysit for you that night.” That used to be so damned hard, but I’d do it, and then lo and behold, not only would the world not end, but our friendship would be stronger for me being able to say no.
Hopefully not everybody who asks you how to ask for what they want isn’t in this pitiful state, but I’m willing to bet that difficulties asking for what you want in the bedroom are likely to go along with at least some difficulties expressing needs and feelings outside the bedroom. Practising making more emotionally charged requests/rejections outside of the bedroom may therefore be a good build-up.
I love that!! Exactly!
Your comment reminded me of this: many years ago, this friend of mine obviously wanted something – OBVIOUSLY – and for complicated reasons I really needed him to ASK for what he wanted, rather than me just helping him because I could tell what he needed; so I said, “Look, I know this is what you want. If you ask me, I will say yes. There is no risk. All you have to do is ask.”
So he took a deep breath and he asked. And I smiled and said, “Yes! Now was that so hard?”
He didn’t smile back. Tears sprang into his eyes and he said, “Yes.”
What this taught me is that when people ask, “How do I ask?” they’re really asking, “Am I okay? Am I safe?” Which I can answer all day day long, like the tolling of a bell – yes yes yes yes yes yes yes! – but it won’t do the least bit of good until the answer rings from inside themselves.
>they’re really asking, “Am I okay? Am I safe?
If stating your desires is proven to be not okay and not safe, then something needs to change in that relationship…possibly including a speedy departure on your part! Asking can be terrifying, but the other person’s response contains important information.
I found the last few paragraphs of this post hurtful and triggering. I know this wasn’t your intention, so I’d like to explain what it’s like coming from the other side of this issue.
You mention culture, shame, guilt, etc. Please understand that for some of us, this is all very intensely ingrained so that we have a completely different personality in bed to out of it. This may not be the case for the person you’re talking about, but it is for me, and I know I’m not the only one.
I am an outgoing, talkative, positive person. I am a huge fan of honesty and open communication in relationships, of communication about wants and desires, etc. I’m a feminist, and a powerful (female-bodied) genderqueer person. When I am alone with someone in a sexual situation, my vocabulary suddenly leaves me, and I become meek and self-effacing. My instinct is to deflect a partner’s desire to please me. Please be clear that I understand this is not logical, and this is not how my logical brain feels. But it’s something that happens.
When it comes time to ask for what I want, I freeze. It is physically difficult to open my jaw and get words out. When I was in college, I had been with my boyfriend for a year, lost my “virginity” to him, etc., and I eventually decided to ask for oral sex. It took a half hour of stuttering to get out the question. (The answer was no, but for these purposes that’s beside the point.)
I understand that perhaps the kind of patience and understanding and gentleness I need to work through these issues is a huge task, too much to ask for many potential partners. But my need for this is legitimate. And the “suck it up and ask” mentality is not helpful. I want to explain this because the issue may come up again, and you’re someone who counsels others along with posting publicly on these here Internets. It is very hard to hear these things because of course there are people for whom my situation is too much to deal with. Having that spelled out won’t make it better. It won’t cure me, or others like me. It’s just a reminder that being this way is unusual, that being this way makes it difficult for partners, and that being this way isn’t fair to others.
And that is precisely why I don’t answer people this way. My purpose with the post wasn’t actually to answer the question “how do I ask,” it was to talk about the difference between the answer I’d give (the first four paragraphs) and the answer I don’t give (the rest of it), the answer that helps and the answer that doesn’t help, and, most of all, the answer that’s about the QUESTIONER and the answer that’s about the ANSWERER.
Well it is difficult for a partner, certainly, but it isn’t remotely unusual, especially for people who were socialized feminine. Most people have a hard time asking. Sharing with your partner how difficult you find it to ask for things is more likely to illicit commiseration than incomprehension. Your difficulty in asking makes you MORE like others, not less.
>Ask for what you want, I could say, because NOT asking for what you want >is dishonest, selfish, and emotionally destructive. Ask, because not asking >causes your partner constantly to worry about whether or not you’re >getting what you need, and that constant worry erodes their patience and >their happiness
I would actually disagree with you on that. I refuse to worry about other people’s feelings. No, not selfishly or exclusively, but I refuse to *worry* about them to the extent that it impacts upon my happiness. If they can’t/won’t tell me what they want then it is my responsibility to deal with that healthily. If I let myself be consumed by anger, frustration and anxiety, then that’s my fault, not theirs. They don’t carry the can for my reactions to their lack of communication, any more than I carry the can for not psychically knowing what they want.
I will do my best to act in ways which are careful of their feelings, I will check in on them when I’m uncertain and sometimes anyway, but if they say they’re happy with something then I will proceed as if they were indeed happy with it until the situation changes or they give any indication that they are not happy with it. I do not mindread and I do not second-guess. That way lies madness and trying to take responsibility for things which are out of my control.
I think yours is the healthy, functional attitude! And I agree with it in principle and would recommend that attitude to everyone.
It’s something I’ve thought about a great deal because of the times people told me things like, “That thing you did, 6 months ago? That really hurt my feelings at the time and I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything about it then, but I’m mad at you.”
In those circumstances, the appropriate and helpful response is “I’m glad you felt you could tell me this and I apologize for the injury I did you on that occasion; I appreciate the honesty and trust you exhibit in telling me and I’ll make every effort in the future to avoid repeating that thing I did. Let’s go have a beer and you can tell me all about your process of getting up the nerve to tell me.”
Which is precisely the response I give when people give me such feedback right away.
But months after the fact? It draws from me is a 50/50 split of (1) “fuck you for not telling me at the time, for resenting me and hiding it from me all that time, and for telling me now, when there’s nothing I can do to fix it” and (2) “Fuck me for doing that careless, hurtful thing and not noticing, for resenting that you’re telling me now, and for adulterating my gratitude for your honesty with contempt for your cravenness.”
Not one of those reactions is helpful to a person who took 6 months to gather the courage to tell me that something I said or did (and which I don’t even remember) hurt their feelings. But I also think those are not wholly unreasonable reactions, however unhelpful.
4 or 5 times this kind of thing happened, years ago. And in no case could the person listen to MY feelings; I shelve my reaction, give the helpful response, I listen to them, check in, make sure they know I’ve heard them… and then I open the question of what this experience is like for ME. And they shut down. And that’s the end of a friendship right there, ya know, when they’re allowed to talk about their feelings and I listen carefully, but I can’t talk about my feelings without them feeling hurt. It has to be equal.
I am, I know, big and loud and intense; I overwhelm people sometimes. I keep a leash on it as much as I can, but it’s a major question in my life: to what extent *am* I responsible for protecting the sensibilities of people who aren’t comfortable with intensity? To what extent may I live my life at full volume, and to what extent am I required to work constantly to keep the volume down, for others’ comfort?
So following those experiences, I began to feel that second guessing and trying to anticipate others’ needs might be in my OWN interest, in order to avoid that sort of problem.
Any of that make sense?
I was screaming yes, YES, YES! until I was jumping up and down by the end of the post. Then I read Avory’s comment and… became sad :/
Thanks! As a woman, it is difficult sometimes to ask for something I’m not getting. But I’d love to see you talk about these two other points, which are much more prominent in my sex life:
1) I have no clue what I want! I’m young (23) and just figuring out my body, so pretty frequently all I know is that *this* isn’t working. But what will? If I know, it’s pretty darn hard to put into words. I know that figuring this out just takes time,and practice. But is there any other strategy to help?
2) What about when your partner won’t stop asking what you want?? I know where this comes from – just the thing you’re talking about in your post. It sucks to be the person who has no clue how to please the other. But there are few things more irritating than being asked, in the middle of having fun, what you want….the answer? Well duh…keep going! Sorry, but sometimes there’s just no answer. “Whatever you want” isn’t passive and self-stifling, it’s the only honest answer. Sheesh.
Anyway! You have a fascinating perspective on some pretty important topics…keep up the good work!
(1) I wrote a post about exactly that, as a matter of fact. It sums up: go really slow. Try lots of things.
(2) Ah! This is something I might be able to answer in a way that is helpful! Hurrah! What you can try is this: you tell your partner, in a low, lusty voice, that the idea that’s really turning you on right at the moment is the idea of them wanting you so passionately that they can barely control themselves. You LOVE it (you tell them) when they’re fighting to contain their need for you. Then suggest something that you know is very likely to make them come and which you also enjoy, but look beguiling and say, “But don’t come, okay? I want you to keep going.” The phrases “Not yet” and “More” may be judiciously applied during what follows, along (ultimately) with “Now. Come for me.” It won’t necessarily help you figure out what you want (though really, practically EVERYONE loves the feeling that their partner is burning with lust for them, right?), but I find it difficult to imagine that they wouldn’t enjoy it.
I’m willing to bet that difficulties asking for what you want in the bedroom are likely to go along with at least some difficulties expressing needs and feelings outside the bedroom
Yes but not always so. I’m not one to avoid asking for what I want, although often I’ll try to lead the other person there as often they’ll actually get to the right place, rather than say straight out “I want …”; and yes, that’s partly reticence. But I know I’m significantly worse at asking in bed. Perhaps that’s a function of being generally too controlled and not flowing with emotion so much. I’d like to change that and be more “open” and emotionally reactive in all sorts of ways, but can I handle it?
Sharing with your partner how difficult you find it to ask for things is more likely to illicit commiseration than incomprehension
Indeed so, and thus becomes hopefully the beginning of an improved dialogue in which ultimately you can ask for what you want. And even incomprehension can be the start of a useful dialogue.
In terms of generally being reluctant to ask for, or do, what you want, I saw this expressed the other day as “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” That might be a starting point worth considering. At least if one asks that silently of oneself at first it may start to break down the barriers until you can put the answers into words or actions. Pace Avory, some will find this easy, others won’t; but worth thinking about as a potential tactic?
Is there anything wrong with “Well duh…keep going!” as an answer to what one wants?
It might also be worth pointing out that there are different ways of asking. If you’re in a long term relationship, for example, and you want something that might be scary for your partner, you can introduce it by degrees, starting with “sometimes I fantasize about…” or “I sort of like the idea of…”, and giving them time to get used to the idea before you actually ask them to give you a response about whether they’re willing to do it with you.
It depends what sort of response you’re afraid of getting, of course, and I’m sure there are situations where it’s better to bite the bullet and say it outright, but sometimes planning a way of asking that minimizes the likelihood of the response that you’re afraid of might be the best technique.
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Another couple of thoughts …
It is often said (and I agree) we are each responsible for our own orgasms. If then we don’t ask for what we want in bed this is then abnegating our responsibility to ourselves, short-changing ourselves and trying to put the responsibility on our partner by making them second guess what we want. Is that fair? Even, maybe, is it moral?
We would most of us expect our partners to tell us what they wanted. And most of would agree that we should treat others as we would wish to be treated ourselves. That implies we have the responsibility to our personal “moral code” to ask for what we want.
Both leave us with the imperative to ask — but don’t answer the original question of how to ask. Yes, OK, there are better and worse ways (but probably no single right way) of asking, but ask we must.
Just thoughts; no more. I don’t pretend to know the answers, but they might help develop strategies?!
Asking in the heat of the moment is easier for some… Asking much earlier in the process when no one is naked – perhaps over dinner – is easier for others. Figure out when you’re most comfortable discussing what does/doesn’t work for you and use that time wisely.
Avory’s comment really bothers me – but not for the reasons everyone else seems bothered. Everyone has a “trigger” somewhere. I have lots of things that “trigger” memories of decades of emotional and sexual trauma. I don’t ask the world to tiptoe around me just to avoid these items. If we never poke at these things and turn them around on their heads and look at them – we will never do anything but leave them with absolute control over our lives and the lives of everyone around us. These triggers will live as a wall between us and the world and eventually paralyze us. Sure it sucks and damn does it require lots of often painful introspection but really if as a society we were more open about everything inside… the good and the bad… then we might all be a bit more understanding about each other’s perspectives and needs.
I agree with Kathy that asking earlier in the process is often a good approach. One technique which when used over dinner/a drink (not when drunk, tho’), when watching TV, or similar, seems to work for many people (especially if it can be done playfully) goes: “Sweetheart [insert your own term of endearment] may I ask you a personal question? …” While some will be now slightly on their guard, the vast majority of people will be insanely curious as to what you’re going to ask. Then when you ask for what you want they’re so relieved that you haven’t probed too deeply into their murky past or taboos that they’ll either agree readily or at least you have a significant, but usually light-hearted, conversation. You can even follow it up later with a wicked “So what were you so frightened I was going to ask you?” – and now with your partner really disarmed you might get a deep and meaningful answer. It’s another approach which might work well for some.
My recurring answer to questions along this line is to tell the person to read How the way we talk can change the way we work, and incrementally apply it to their life until this specific problem is resolved.
Both because I like teaching people to fish and because I am tired of this species of fish.
Tangentially, http://angryjanedoe.livejournal.com/36157.html
I know I personally like things a certain way but I think part of the way that you find out what turns you on, and what works for you, and what you need is to actually experiment with yourself to be comfortable enough with your body to ask and to understand literally how you tick.
That’s just my thought though, and I know what works for me and what doesn’t, what is a major turn on and what won’t push me over the edge, but mainly from the experimenting and finding out what I wanted even before I had a partner.
What I have found frustrating is people who expect me to always like the same thing (as though sex were just mutual masturbation). There are some things I always like but others vary, and/or arise from the relationship itself, and may not be simply transferrable.
For me it is fun not to have to ask — when someone guesses right or reads me right or wants the same thing themself. But I’ve learned that if I’m not comfortable asking, it means I’m not comfortable with the relationship and shouldn’t be there.
This post was rather difficult for me to read, as it triggers some of my worst memories of an abusive situation. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that people are really asking if it’s safe to ask for what they want, but I think you (and everyone else who deals with these frustrations) would do well to keep in mind that sometimes, it really ISN’T safe. In that case, I don’t think the answer should be to just suck it up and do it, but instead to start exploring the fears behind the question not with the aim of dispelling those fears (at least not necessarily), but with the aim of determining whether or not they are well-founded. It is notoriously difficult to actually acknowledge that there may be a very, very good reason why it seems so difficult to ask, especially in a cultural climate that encourages victim-blaming.
In my case, I had wanted to ask him to be more careful, to not touch me without first asking me if it was okay with me, to listen to me and try to understand what asexuality is and how it affects my boundaries and limits in a sexual situation. I had trouble explaining it, especially the latter part of it, because it’s very complicated and requires a whole new way of thinking. It requires dispelling a whole host of misconceptions, pretty much all of which he expressed, one by one. I couldn’t even get to what I wanted to ask without first explaining everything else, but he expected me to just say it. His frustration with me for not talking right away made me shut down more and more, and then he would also belittle me for attempting a different strategy for communication (email instead of talking). Every time I tried to explain, he wouldn’t listen (he’d be actively facing away from me and doing something else, and then would dismiss whatever I said as some sort of rationalization or excuse), yet he would consistently tell me that I could tell him anything. That it was okay to ask for whatever.
Of course, when I finally managed to ask, he just ridiculed me and told me I couldn’t possibly understand what I was talking about.
All of this has, of course, made it much more difficult for me to ask for what I want in general, in situations where it’s much safer. I can’t stand it when my partner begs me to tell her, either, as it will typically trigger a flashback. Any emphasis she (or anyone else) puts on how much she suffers when I don’t ask only feeds into the cycle of self-blame I’m trying to escape. I need to feel like it’s REALLY safe to say it, and safe to say it in a time and manner I’m comfortable with. Otherwise, I will just shut down further.
While I care about her feelings and I know it’s certainly very frustrating for her to deal with, I really can’t help her deal with that frustration myself. All I can say is that I’m working on it, and hope her therapist can help her find ways to deal with it. I worry about it not being equal, but at the same time, it really just isn’t equal, and in this area at least, it never will be… because the difficulties I’m having are considerably greater than just a little bit of frustration.
I realize this is a little different from asking to try some kind of sexual thing, which seems to be more what you had in mind when you wrote this post, but I think it’s good to keep a broader context in mind when thinking about the question of “How do I ask for what I want?” because of the possibility that this kind of experience might be feeding into the situation as well–in both that case, and in the case with friends taking months to get up the courage to say something as well. I hope my perspective helps to show a little bit of what it might be like on the other side, and why it’s such a difficult thing to grapple with.
You know what my favorite part of this post is? The Comments. I have issues I’m working through right now and part of those is that it’s gotten hard to verbalize what I want in bed, when it didn’t used to be, for a number of reasons. It particularly felt helpful reading the part of your response to Avory where you stated it’s a really common stumbling block, and your response to Becky was also helpful as I’m in a similar situation for very different reasons, so thanks for that and thanks to Becky for bringing it up. Have I mentioned today that I love this blog and find it highly helpful? Because I do.
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