So I did this radio interview last night about foreplay? In prepping for it at first I was like, “What the hell is there to say about foreplay?” But then I got going and it turns out I have any number of thing to say about it.
I did not get to say most of those things during the interview. We got a bit sidetracked on orgasm, and whether or not they should call me “Dr Emily.” They asked, “Should we call you Dr Emily?” and I said “No no, please just call me Emily.” And then they called me Dr Emily the whole time.
Anyway, here are some of the things I wanted to say but didn’t.
Context dependence. You may have had the experience of being tickled when you’re in a playful mood and you get all giggly and it’s sweet and fun. And you may also have had the experience of being tickled when you are grumpy or annoyed or generally Not In The Mood, and it’s not fun, it’s IRRITATING.
Same stimulation, different experience. Our perception of sensation is context-dependent. So the first thing you know about being spectacular at foreplay is that an erotic setting is absolutely crucial – and when you get the setting right, almost anything you do can be potentially erotic.
Fortunately for us ladies, men often require no more of an erotic context than you, wanting to have sex with him. Your desire, your pleasure, that’s the best aphrodisiac you can provide.
Different body parts are sensitive in different ways. Cocks, for example aren’t that sensitive to temperature or location. Because of that, you can, say, have a little ice cube in your mouth and swirl it around while you give oral sex. It won’t make him come, but it will definitely keep his interest!
Hands and feet, by contrast are VERY sensitive to temperature and localized sensation. So on a hand, an ice cube would be WAY intense. However, you can run the very tip of your tongue slowly from the wrist and up the palm and along the middle finger, exhaling gradually all the way (warm breath), and then blow along the wet trail you left. Both the slight temperature change the slow movement play into the sensitivities of the hand. You can do this to a penis too, of course; but it’ll be a very different experience because the cock is wired very differently.
Sensation. This is a simplification, but there are essentially to types of stimulation that the peripheral nervous system encodes: light touch and deep touch. Light touch is the superficial caress that just brush the surface of the skin. Deep touch is massage touch, touch that stimulates the muscles under the skin.
I don’t know why, but it turns out that alternating these two kinds of sensations makes for a pretty intense experience. Delicately run the tip of your tongue from the inside of your partner’s wrist, across their palm, and along their middle finger, then suck on that finger. You can do the same thing to a cock.
Given that under the right circumstances ANY sensation can be erotic, it hardly matters WHAT you do, so long as you do it an erotic context.
A final note: in general, you can be a little rougher with cock than you think. Guys have, on average, 1/3 more upper body strength than women, so he’s used to dealing with his own genitals
Also, confidence and joy. Okay.
emily nagoski
10 Responses to “emily thinks about foreplay”
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One of the most legitimate complaints women have is how bad most guys are in the sack and how little they know about pleasuring a woman. The biggest single problem is so little time spent in foreplay and once sex is commenced how quickly he wants to get it done and over with. All of these things I teach against to men.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
It’s interesting that you should say that about cocks, because every single woman I’ve been with has started out too rough for my tastes (and I have well above-average upper body strength.) I’ve always been curious as to why I seem to be more sensitive than my partners’ previous partners.
I have been having my own issues with foreplay at the moment so this blog post came at a great time.
I don’t think of it as ‘foreplay’. It’s all ‘play’, as far as I’m concerned, P-V intercourse or no — and it’s all ‘sex’, too, at least once you get past a vaguely-defined point, somewhere around taking all your clothes off (although there are also things that I can define as ‘sex’ that can be done with clothes on, of course, and things that can be done with clothes off that I would not define as ‘sex’. But I don’t require my definition to be exact).
Your statement about context-dependence is enlightening. My boyfriend is always laughing at the fact that sometimes it doesn’t really seem to matter exactly what he does. In the right mood, he can make me gasp with just about anything.
Big YES to Lynet’s “play” definitions. I think the idea of defining part of sex play as ‘foreplay’ is sometimes useful as a teaching tool or as a reminder, and sometimes not at all. For many folks (maybe mostly men, maybe, kinda) I suspect the very best Rx is to broaden and sunlight ALL of our definitions of sex.
Of course, evolution’s purpose (and the Pope’s, except for pedophilia) around sex is (mostly) penile-vaginal intercourse and depositing sperm effectively, though evolution seems to be invested in social glue, too. So straight fucking will always be a major urge. But for us mere humans, putting play, play, play at the top of the list has far and away the most reward.
Let’s honor each other as living miracles. And as the most splendid vessels for pleasure, given and received.
Yay, new post ^_^
Don’t suppose there’s a link to the interview?
Hi, I know this doesn’t have to do with your post but I wanted to let you know that I gave you a blog award here: http://nymphobsessed.blogspot.com/2010/09/blog-award.html?zx=596bfb872c393e71