I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Um, and again.
In fact I DID say it again, at Babeland on Sunday night:
Confidence and Joy.
Would you like to be better at sex than anyone else your partner has ever been with? Well certainly you don’t want to be WORSE, eh? So what specifically makes the difference between being… just okay at sex and being… EXTRAORDINARY?
Answer: Confidence. And joy.
Confidence comes from liking your body and yourself and being able to tell what your partner is experiencing. (I’ve talked about that here and here.)
Joy comes from letting go of the cultural backwash around sex, the “shoulds” and the “mustn’ts” and the shame and the guilt and the Cosmo-style pressure to perform and instead embrace the sticky, lumpy, aromatic reality of juxtaposing your naked, fluid-pumping body with your partner’s. (I’ve talked about that here and here and here.)
To be truly spectacular at oral sex, you have to LOVE putting your partner’s genitals in your mouth. You have to love how they taste, how they smell, how they feel in your hand and against your lips and tongue. It has to be a pleasure, a delight – a joy. And of course it can only be a delight, a pleasure, and a joy if you’re not bogged down by worry about whether or not you’re doing it right. Hence confidence.
And if you don’t love it, if it’s not a delight, don’t do it. It’s not required, not by any means. It’s entirely voluntary and optional. Have you seen Ratatouille? The critic Anton Ego sums it up nicely:
“If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow.”
Exactly.
(And how delish is Peter O’Toole?)
Of course Anton Ego learns and delivers the moral of the story:
“Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.”
Can everyone be GREAT at fellatio? I don’t know; it takes sensitivity to your partner’s body, creativity and adaptability, a large toolkit of skills, loads of practice… and of course confidence and joy. And to a large degree, all of these can be cultivated.
To an even larger degree, the success of your oral sex derives from nothing inherent in you but from the CONNECTION between you and your partner.
Confidence and joy, I believe, open up a person’s senses and spirit to a more profound connection with their partner. Bringing your full attention and personhood to sex, which is what the confidence and joy are really about, expands the potential for sex to deepen, go beyond physical pleasure and integrate multiple levels of experience. When you interact with your partner’s body as the physical manifestation of the human you love and respect and appreciate, how can you fail to be superb at sex?
Confidence, you see? And joy.
wonderful post, Emily.
There’s a couple of small but interesting porn sites that consist entirely of videos of an single attractive, fully-dressed woman fellating her (also fully-dressed) partner. The videos are well lit and edited, shot by a single motionless camera, soft focus, and with background music rather than live sound. Her partner is never seen, except for the business end of him. The videos are all about her. (Sadly, I won’t be providing links or even google-tags lest some think I’m spamming.) What’s fascinating about these videos isn’t the woman (who is attractive but unextraordinary, and again fully clothed) or the act (which couldn’t be more commonplace in porn) or the technique (just fine, but again not extraordinary) but rather her apparent confidence, joy, and enthusiasm. As a man, I’ll cheerfully admit there couldn’t be anything more gratifying than fellatio from a partner who is truly joyful to give.
Indeed. I’ve never seen anyone take such sheer unbridled joy at sex as my last partner, and that was probably the best sex of my life.
Another superb one! Not because — not at all because — it’s about cocksucking, but because it’s about joy. A good meaty penis for the tongue and tonsils is a wonderful thing, but it can’t come close to the experience of immersion in the labyrinthine wonders of the female genitalia.
Just sayin’.
Ah, now, Emily, it’s implied in your post, but I’ll add this anyway: given that confidence, communication and joy make a good blowjob (or indeed a good any kind of sex), the question of how good at this you’re going to be can have almost as much to do with your partner as you. The best blowjobs I’ve ever given are with my current partner, and it’s because he is the most wonderfully giving person I’ve ever had sex with, and it’s catching.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, how sweet.
)
Great post – for the content, and the sentiment (which rings unerringly true), but also because for no good reason it put these two songs in my head: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PhpzIz3OsA, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LzUDVp4Urk (really have to be listened to one after the other). And I love Kirsty MacColl.
Beautiful, again. ^^
Emily, I’ve recommended, highly, that my sex therapist be familiar with your blogging. You are fluid with your analysis and insert humor and candor with surprising ease. I think I recall you saying you couldn’t be a journalist, but I disagree. Perhaps author would be the best compromise on that. I am in the process of reclaiming my sexuality after decades of a non-sexual marriage. I bless The Google, and you, for providing me with so much of the rich tapestry that is human sexual interaction–and at the highest level of satisfaction for all concerned. Be Well and for sure–Prosper!
Thank you Emily for such a wonderfully written piece – truly enjoyable to read your writing and the sentiments expressed.
Extraordinary sex through confidence and joy – simply elegant – and I couldn’t agree more.
Pingback: laugh, lover, laugh | Emily Nagoski :: sex nerd ::
Pingback: Sex Is Hilarious and Pleasure is Going to Change the World (a less serious post about doin’ it) | Parks Dunlap
Pingback: joy | Emily Nagoski :: sex nerd ::