Jun 262011
 

To my utter astonishment, my tongue-in-cheek post about how to break a hymen without a penis has become one of the most read on the blog, due to people actually SEARCHING THE INTERNET for the phrase “how to break a hymen.”

And I feel terribly guilty that there are all these women out there who want to break their hymens and the advice they get from me is slightly facetious.

I still don’t know why people are so worried about it, but clearly they are, so here’s the ACTUAL advice:

Option 1: Have a medical professional do it. If your hymen is imperforate, microperforate, or septate, definitely take this option. If you don’t know whether or not your hymen is any of these things, get a medical professional to check. If you’re thinking, “But I don’t have access to a medical professional” or “I don’t want to talk to my doctor about this,” then there’s something else wrong that’s more important than your hymen.

Option 2: Have intercourse. It’s how women have been breaking their hymens for ages. There will probably be a little bit of pain and a possibly (but not usually) little bit of blood, but it’s totally no big deal, from a physiological/medical perspective. If your partner doesn’t have a biological penis, use a non-biological one.

Option 3: Break it yourself. Which means you need to know both how to manage the pain and how to successfully break it.

(Actually it’s not really breaking, it’s stretching.)

To minimize pain, use either (or both) a numbing agent (you can use oral numbing agents they sell at the drugstore for canker sores and stuff) or a counter-irritant. A counter-irritant is some intense stimulation elsewhere that more or less distracts your central nervous system from the sensation happening at your vagina. The best counter-irritants will be sensations to the other highly sensitive parts of your body, like your face, feet, and hands. Deep touch sensations – pressure, massage, vibration – will be most effective. So, for example, hold a Hitachi Magic Wand between your feet.

Drinking a couple of glasses of wine – more than one glass, but LESS THAN A BOTTLE – can also help. Do not, whatever you do, exceed 4 drinks, and no more than 2 or 3 in a single hour. Don’t be stupid about alcohol.

And to stretch the hymen, you mostly need girth. Gradually increasing the girth of the thing you penetrate with will make things easier; contrary to popular belief, pulling off a band-aid slowly results in less pain than ripping it off all at once, so don’t try to put a mango in there all at once.

Another thing to remember is that the hymen is just one of several potential sources of pain with penetration – indeed it’s just about the least common source of pain. The most common source of pain is friction. LUBRICATION is absolutely, positively, unambiguously CRUCIAL. DO NOT attempt to penetrate your vagina without LOTS of lubrication. If you really can’t get lube anywhere else, some oil from the kitchen will do.

Another potential source of pain is muscle tension. Yes there is a vaginal sphincter muscle, and you must relax it in order to penetrate the vagina. You can find it by stopping yourself mid-stream while you pee – it’s the same muscle (different sphincter. don’t worry about the details.)

And finally, pull out a little mirror and LOOK at your vagina and your hymen before you start any of this. LOOK at it. See where it is, what it’s made of. Think patiently and non-judgmentally about your feelings about what you see. It’s a part of your body, just like your elbow and your toes. Be as kind and gentle with it as you would with, say, clipping an infant’s toenails. Be nice to your body.

I can’t even begin to write about the psychological noise that must be happening inside a person’s head if they’re searching the internet for information on how to break their hymen. What advise can I give for that?

Take a deep breath. Relax. Pay attention to your body and its sensations. Pay attention to your feelings about your body, and know that you are allowed – indeed, you are WELCOME – to love all the parts of you. Okee dokee?

Emily Nagoski

  43 Responses to “how to break your hymen – sincerely this time”

Comments (41) Pingbacks (2)
  1. Hi

    para 4 from end has editing error.

    Love your blog.

  2. Very good post – thank you! I suggest using toys of increasing girth over a period of weeks/months – this may stretch certain kinds of hymen so much that they will remain intact and non-troublesome until child birth. The strategy will also help with getting used to things as large as a penis entering the vagina. I used this strategy and had no issues with pain etc when I first had penetrative sex with a man.

  3. ok, I wanted to get angry at the “psychological noise” part, and have written the first part of my comment to prove that I’ve done it and I’m not a freak; then came the second part, which might reveal that I kind of am, but at least it will help you imagine, Emily, what one might think.

    Yes, I did break my hymen alone, with a carrot in a condom – it didn’t break all of it, but it was a big step. I knew that I wasn’t ready to have sex at that time, but I also knew that inside my vagina there is that interesting little zone called g-spot, and I did want to get a more comfortable access to it. I did use to masturbate for quite a time then, but the hymen didn’t seem to go away by itself. I did know that there are other object that can be used to get rid of it than Actual Magical Cocks. So I got informed, checked Scarleteen, got useful ideas like that one is quite advised to put a condom on any vegetable she is planning to stick inside her body (even trough this sounded strange at first, as carrots have no STDs or getting-pregnant abilities – I found that strange bacteria from the ground is also a no-no)… and have gone for it.

    //////////Now, the following part will sound agressive against others with a different history, and I want to add a disclaimer: I do respect those who have different feelings about these things than I do; it IS possible to do it differently and with integrity etc; and what I do and feel is just an adaptation/coping mechanism of someone in a culture where virginity is viewed like a commodity, and who haven’t finished yet getting out all those stupid lies from her head – and in NO! way Teh Feminist Method.//////

    even if I was planning to have sex at that time, I probably would have wanted to separate the getting-hurt part from the pleasure + getting-emotionally-vulnerable-with-someone part. I’m not a masochist, pain is not sexy for me, and I wouldn’t have wanted to begin a physical relationship with dancing around this stupid little problem. It was my body, my problem, and I really hated the meaning attached to it by the culture around us.

    I dind’t have sex yet, but I know that, contrary to the official script, the first guy I will sleep with won’t “take” my virginity, won’t be a conquerer or a freaky Livingstone to go where No Man Have Gone Before, cutting trougth lianes with his phallic machete and making a previously physically inaccesible part of nature open for the rest of mankind. He won’t destroy a physical signifier of my “innocence”, and I won’t get into that experience with the knowledge that “it’s normal if it hurts”. He won’t change my body irreversibly (ok, technically it is surgically possible to make a false hymen, but you know what I mean) – there will be no part of my anatomy he could claim as something done by him. Also, I won’t have that experience mixed with fear of unavoidable pain, so I will be able to relax more into it – and to say “stop” or “let’s do it differently” if something does hurt, without having to think about if that pain was maybe one of the unavoidable ones?

    So again, asking the internet about the most efficient way to get rid of that stupid hymen alone seems like a very logical step.

    • (1) Masochists don’t necessarily find pain sexy. Just BTW.

      (2) Having a hymen isn’t a problem, stupid, little, or otherwise. Viewing your hymen as a problem (stupid, little, or otherwise) may be.

      I get that people will do pretty much anything to be in control of their bodies and their sexuality, but it seems to me that that very feeling of not being in control and needing to find a way to be in control, that’s the problem right there. Not feeling in control, needing to feel in control.

      It’s a fold of skin, a fragile little fold of skin with a lot of cultural and psychological STUFF attached to it. Getting rid of the skin isn’t even a little bit like getting rid of the STUFF. It doesn’t actually give you the control you feel you’re missing.

      I find it problematic, I do, that people think it’s better to ask the internet how to break their hymen than to talk to their partner about it. I get WHY – people are terrible at talking about sex, even with the people with whom they’re HAVING sex – but a relationship where two people can have honest communication and a sense of humor about breaking a hymen is a healthier relationship than one in which one person doesn’t feel comfortable enough with herself or her partner to have that conversation.

      • I’m usually on board, but this time? Just no. Your dismissal of the possibility that there any good reasons that a person could want to remove their hymen by a method other than partnered sex is just… patronizing and wrong. Please think about it a bit more, because the way you have framed this, is not sex positive.

        • Please quote the place where I dismiss the possibility that there are any good reasons a person could want to remove their hymen; I’m pretty sure there isn’t anywhere. Just because I don’t know why their worried doesn’t mean their worry isn’t legitimate, and the very fact that I bothered to write a long post about it surely indicates that I consider the worry just as legitimate as lack of worry.

          In other words, give me a fucking break.

    • I agree with you, and with most of the other ladies who commented on this page. I broke my own hymen when I was a teenager, with a banana in a condom. I remember feeling something painfully stretching until it ‘gave,’ and all of a sudden, the pain lessened.

      I didn’t do it so much because I didn’t want my body ‘conquered’ by someone else, but because I heard back from a lot of my friends that penetrative sex hurt, and I didn’t want to go through that with someone else. Although I’m still a virgin now, I recently started incorporating penetration into my masturbating, and I’m happy to report good sensations. :-3 I’m glad I had all this time to explore myself and learn to be comfortable with my body.

  4. I disagree, Emily. I broke my own hymen as well and I did it for much the same reason as anne. The cultural discourse around that little fold of flesh was not something I wanted to be a part of or participate in*. I did not want to be some man’s conquest, I did not want to have my virginity ‘taken’, etc. And it wasn’t because I thought any of those things were real – it was the idea that it was something that someone would have over me.

    And it wasn’t a bad experience either. I did it while masturbating. I liked penetration then too and just went with something bigger. It was a little uncomfortable but not really painful, so I’m guessing mine was somewhat thin or already fairly stretched. No big deal as an act, really.

    But it did mean that when I had sex with a man for the first time – quite a few years later – I did it knowing that there would be no pain and no blood, and therefore no evidence. It was extremely important for me to make sure that he did not know I was a virgin. He wasn’t a partner – just a friend I had chemistry with, and with whom I discussed what I wanted (and what he wanted) quite extensively before we actually got around to doing anything. And it was a really fun experience. I was relaxed, we had a great time and we stayed friends for as long as we lived in the same town.

    *In a way, it would perhaps be more appropriate to say that I did not want to be a victim of said discourse since, by reacting to it, I was necessarily engaging with and participating in it.

    I do agree that it is about control. But I think the feeling of not being in control is something that comes from living in societies that prize this little bit of flesh so highly and attach so much STUFF, as you put it, to it. Breaking one’s own hymen is a reassertion of that control that society says you should not have. We don’t attach all this cultural nonsense to our hymens in a vacuum. We do it because of a society that treats it like some sort of door prize handed to men who get in first, so to speak.

    I broke my own hymen because I love my body, take immense pleasure in it, and because it is mine and mine alone to share or withhold as I see fit.

    • Thank you so much, Araliya, for your comment. As a 22-year old virgin/future sex therapist I was really excited to see this post until I read through the end and the author’s comments displaying her seemingly dismissive attitude surrounding the reasons why women might be looking up this information. I thank you, Emily, for writing this post- it is indeed informative, I know that you spent time on it, and overall your blog is truly helping many individuals. However, who actually wants to be helped only at the end to hear something akin to “Boy, you’ve all got some serious issues you need to work out, looking into this stuff”. Calling my, and other’s, very real concerns (about pain, being prepared, wanting to explore the G-spot, or just wanting to try a fucking tampon for once) “psychological noise” is just not right. Even if you couldn’t have possibly predicted any of these concerns, the fact is that you are fully aware many women have concerns at all as you know they are looking up information on the web. When you know that your readers have differing experiences dismissing them in any fashion seems irresponsible.
      Also, I don’t have a partner, but I’m not scared to talk about sex. I love open and honest communication and I can’t wait to have it with my first sexual partner. I understand that for me, being in a fulfilling sexual relationship is about letting myself be vulnerable at times. Believe it or not- I’m cool with that, and I think a lot of the women who were offended by your comments are also cool with that. However- and I’m not saying you said anything to the contrary…I just want to make this clear- I will always reserve the right to have control in my vulnerability, and if that includes tearing my own hymen so that my first time is as comfortable as possible then so be it.

  5. I’m not sure how to start this comment/request, but I guess what I’m asking for is; what exactly IS a hymen?

    I mean, I’ve had the basic sex-ed classes, and I know what a hymen is (society-speaking, at least- a sign of virginity) But I’m interested to know what you, as a sex expert (or researcher, at least) thinks about it.

    I’ve never gotten a clear idea of what a hymen does, or why it was necessary. I know it is a safe-guard of sorts, but, if it’s so important, why does it break? Why is it something that we can discard so easily? Why is it important to break a hymen (other than for physical pleasure during sex) and what happens if it is never broken/is it possible to never break a hymen?

    Mine broke when I was 9 and I fell off a bicycle. And I’ve always wondered; Did I lose something? It was a very awkward incident, but is that normal for a girl so young? I know that a hymen doesn’t really represent virginity, but what other purpose’s does it serve?

    • I think your question got buried under a flame war….

      A hymen may have helped guard against infections that reduce the chances of reproduction. It was evolutionarily advantageous to have back in the day (like prehistoric times) so it got popular with the gene pool. You can’t really have a baby with it in the way, though, so it needs to be able to get out of the way since the whole point is to help make sure that you as a biological organism can reproduce. That’s why it breaks.

      Now we live in a world that is much cleaner and we take care of ourselves better so it isn’t really necessary. Not having a hymen or breaking your hymen will not adversely impact your health. It is fairly common for a girl to break her hymen like you did. If you didn’t break it then you would likely have done so later when using a tampon or when playing moderate-impact sports in school.

      It is possible to go through one’s whole life without breaking one’s hymen, assuming you are born with one in the first place (some girls aren’t). But this presence or absence of a hymen has no real significance in and of itself. From a biological standpoint its a largely vestigial part of the female anatomy that some women are born with and that normally gets broken within the first twenty-some years of life either by impact or penetration.

  6. ok, Emily, I have written into the disclaimer that getting rid of the cultural stuff is not the same as getting rid of the physical thing. I am just working on both fronts at once. And the psychological motivation in part 2 was just part of the background and not the motivation; I explicitly wanted to try out more comfortable internal stimulation, and the fact that doing this step I was actually destroying part of my value in a hypothetical virgin marriage market just gave me a little giggle at a certain point.

    You are talking about TWO people yadda-yadda. What if THERE ARE NO TWO PEOPLE, for god’s sake? What if my wish to have a more comfortable access to that g-spot thingy has nothing to do with me having sex with other people? Is just too hard to imagine people who get into sexual maturity before being in a position, social, psychological, emotional or otherwise, to have a partner? I used to think that getting into masturbation before one started sex is kind of recommended anyway by sex educators.

    Why should I renounce of using more comfortably a perfectly nice part of my very own body just because “breaking a hymen with a partner is more romantic”? Can I use the outside parts at least, pretty please, or that is also “too sad and desperate”? [both pseudo-quotes are not from you, but from the cultural background noise]

    ps: ok, I correct the masochism part to “I happen to be not part of that special subcategory of masochists who enjoy genital pain caused by a partner in a sexual situation, altrough I DO respect them and wish them well”.

  7. This is very useful advice that I would have liked to have when younger, before I was in any kind of relationship. I wouldn’t necessarily have acted on it, but it would have been very reassuring nonetheless to have more knowledge, and thus more control, over a part of my body and my experience that I had previously had no information on.

    It’s a shame about the ‘noise’ comment: I agree with other posters that there are lots of good reasons why someone would want to look into this on their own. But even if you don’t think so, why tell the people who value your advice that they should feel bad about seeking it?

  8. I really don’t know why everyone is so fixated on the hymen. It is different in every woman, but from the studies I have read in most cases it so small and thin that it is almost known existent. For girls concerned about first time penetration they should make sure they get to know their own bodies first.

    When they have decided they are ready for sexual activities. They should be the ones to penetrate their own vagina. I never understood how any woman would ever let someone else touch them when they have never touched themselves. If a women is aroused and lubricated well penetration should not be a problem blood, pain, etc. I am no expert. That’s just my opinion.

  9. I don’t know if my last comment got moderated or had technical problems getting posted (I use to have problems posting from that computer), so there is the shorter version:

    1. masochism: ok, I correct it to “I am not part of that subcategory of masochist who do enjoy pain in their genitals caused by a partner in a sexual situation, altrough I sincerely do respect them”. So I just don’t want to have unsexy pain intertwined with my sexytimes, if this is avoidable ,and it IS avoidable.

    2. sometimes THERE ARE NO TWO PEOPE, and a girl still wants to explore her insides. Why does you treat this as an incredibly desperate thing? Am I not entitled to enjoy confortable internal stimulation unless I had passed the test of getting someone in bed with me? Am I allowed then to use the external bits at least, pretty please? Or losers [people who have problems, but are mature enough to recognize that they are not psychologically ready to deal with getting such an intimate situation with someone else yet, so they work on their issues first until the sex they will have can be actually good and relaxed] shouldn’t have orgasms at all?

    Also, some people are asexual, and they still masturbate.

    3. I did warn you that the second part of my comments is problematic, but I never suggested that I am trying to deal all those cultural/psychological problems via the body; I do invest my energy to resolve those stuff in their own plane; it just gave me a little giggle at the time of making this thing, that ha-ha, I’m just destroying part of my value on an imaginary virgin marrying market. But my actual motivation was to get a better access for myself.

  10. sorry for the doubleposting, I didn’t see the first one when writing the second. you can delete one of them. and sorry for the agressiveness of them too.

  11. ['SNIF'] Ya’ know, this really hurts my reptilian jealous male ego (“Dr. Livingstone”, or “Dr. LUV”).

  12. I didn’t have a hymen when I first had sex. I guess it broke when I was younger and I never noticed. Lucky me..hehe.

  13. Thank you for this Emily. Sincerely, thank you.

  14. alright ladies i am a 14 year old vergin. i tend to masterbate frequently but i need to be more creative. my mother would never! let me buy a dildo. is there some type of thing i can use besides a fist? sorry but that scares me and i dont have friends willing. fast answers would be VERY appreciated. thanks!

    • Well, most women who masturbate do so with no penetration at all. If you’re interested in penetration with masturbation, anything clean, relatively smooth, and vaguely phallus shaped will work. Banana. Make up brush handle. Electric toothbrush.

      That said, (1) Why do you need to be more creative? Masturbation is just for you, so you only need to be what you WANT to be. Use your imagination, but it’s not any kind of competition and (2) Why do you need fast answers? You will have your body for the rest of your life, to enjoy, play with, and experiment with. There’s no hurry, and the learning never ends.

  15. im 15 and i want to break my hymen, if i use a fruit with a condom over it, will i feel a lot of pain and would there be a lot of blood, because im going to do ‘stuff’ with this guy next week and i need to do this before i meet him, so i just need to find all this out, reply as soon as possible!

    • There will be a little pain and a tiny amount of blood, both of which are easily manageable. Read the blog post for instructions. Be safe. And ultimately you are completely allowed to have a hymen intact when you are with a guy. It’s totally normal and natural and healthy and okay, and if he’s not okay with it then he’s a fucking moron.

    • 3 things bother me about your post. (Sure – who am I to say anything? Just a caring stranger)

      A: You plan to do things next week. Is sex like a dental appointment? Do you have to schedule it?

      B: You’re 15. Why is sex important? My mom got married at your age, got pregnant, and got divorced. Think that was fun? Enjoy your friends and be a kid.

      C. “Meet him”…I hope you know this person and aren’t “meeting” him for the first time. Do I need to go into stranger danger? You know, if you’re still alive these few months later.

  16. a FAST reply would be excelent, thanks!

  17. Hello! I was searching the net because I was insanely curious about what it would be like to lose ones virginity. I am a sucker for romance novels and I always wondered what these fictional girls experience. I read your post Emily and I thank you for giving me an idea of what that would be like. I am 16 and don’t plan on losing my virginity until I am well on my way to being an adult. In my belief, high school kids are far to young to be having sex, I am also to young. Our bodies may say jump, but if you take a step back and think, you realize that there are more negatives to having sex then positives when you are my age.

    As my mother, the gynecologist would say “teenage boys are walking gonads” they may believe they are in love, but that is because they cannot tell the difference between love and lust…..They have more testosterone, so undoubtedly, they think about sex nearly “all the time”. Certainly, there are the more evolved, intelligent exceptions. Who can truly develop a meaning full relationship, but in my experience with teenage males, very few can or want to.

    Why did I rant about being to young and young males being so horny? Because, while reading the other fellow teens I became disturbed and worried, I hope it works out for them but…..from what they have said, I feel that it wont.Then again, who am I to judge? I live by my own morals, my own code. I simply wanted to share my views. I don’t mean to preach!
    One last thing….(this quote irritated me)
    “I did not want to be some man’s conquest, I did not want to have my virginity ‘taken’, etc. And it wasn’t because I thought any of those things were real – it was the idea that it was something that someone would have over me. ”
    1) Definition of virginity:The state of never having had sexual intercourse.
    2) Virginity is not taken away. You either have had sex or you haven’t.
    3) No one has power over you unless you let them. Hell! Virginity in a way can have power OVER a man. Plenty of girls lie about having it.
    (In response to other things said)
    4) Even if you don’t have a hymen, it” can” still be a bit painful. (Told from my all-knowing doctor of a mom)

    and I leave with a bow.
    (Emily I would like to hear your thoughts)

  18. As above posters I didn’t like the tone of the article questioning why someone would want to break the hymen themselves. I just want to be over with it and I’m not comfortable with any guy knowing that they’ve been the first person I’ve had sex with. Since romance and complete trust is usually off the table when it comes to sex, I don’t want to take my chances and have a horrible first experience. Because men tend to act even more patronizing when they find out they are having sex with a virgin, I wouldn’t want them to know. Thanks.

  19. I can completely agree why anyone would be looking this up? A hymen is a hymen which has no power other than to combat infections (what? Oh NO! It’s good for you? hahahaa!)
    Of course it breaks for baby production which is probably why it most often breaks when a man’s penis enters the vagina. It’s significant of your body’s status in knowing that babies will be on board (though with the use of condoms of pill and patches this is no longer the case).
    To the two silly girls who flame and argue about a freaking hymen and power….just acknowledging means you’re already giving power. Most men don’t even care and some men don’t even like virgins (one for being too tight which means getting rid of your hymen would do nothing and the other for very bad experiences…plus other men). The best reason to tell a man you are a virgin is so they know NOT to rough house you and that they should be slow and comforting for the process. Not telling them will just make them feel guilt that they didn’t do such a hot job for your first time.
    I came across this post because I was writing and came across the puzzlement of a young girl putting on her tampon who was a virgin. How would she think? Did she really think that meant loss of virginity? I never thought like a virgin since I was ten and I didn’t put on a tampon til I was…way into high school and barely at that. It was just too uncomfortable. I tried to find forums of girl discussing this, but found only yahoo boards and terrible answers and doctor answers in which I found the different types of hymens. Then there were many posts of breaking one’s virginity and how one did it and even a blog about it….
    I thought it was hilarious someone would even look that up. To my astonishment a lot of people. And the excuse so you don’t feel pain for your first time? So that thing breaking your hymen had no discomfort? There’s always some sort of discomfort. After all there’s something stretching your vagina for the first time so adjustment is needed and that has nothing to do with your hymen-that would be your vagina. You may not even feel pain from your hymen and it may just bleed.
    To be honest pain is also substantial to the woman’s body. I’m twenty and anything bigger than a pinky still hurts. I found out that some muscles just tend to be smaller than others…and that there are different vagina “sizes” so to speak. Some are smaller than others and takes a lot more time and adjustment to stretch as far.
    Also the male’s penis is another factor. If he’s circumcised he’s actually bound to hurt you more than a natural penis. One because they have less sensitivity so they have to pound harder and have a less even pace than a natural penis causing redness to appear around a woman’s labia or vagina. Two because the penis is not moistened by the foreskin of a natural penis to keep it comfortable.
    Masturbation for ten straight years is still not that enjoyable to me. Neither is sexual intercourse. Your hymen does not determine any power. Flaming this woman because your insecurity of a hymen does not cover that you in fact lose power by persuading yourself to think that it does have it. It’s sex that has the power.
    Virgins are just typically easier to fool, because they have less experience (well duh!) and it also means they might be very fertile. We’re still animals in the sense that men unconsciously go for the traits that can guarantee a life time supply of offspring whether they realize it or not. They want to dominate as a whole to provide better potentials for the future. Study it. Women’s and Men’s brains are actually different. We have a bigger Corpus Callusom than they do. Go us! That means our two sides communicate better from brain to brain and faster too. But you shouldn’t be so stupid that men need less of this function than we do. They don’t fall into culture as much as we do only what is advantageous to them. We already make them suffer for penis sizes and generally low aptitude. If they think a hymen is so special to you than they will make it important. Otherwise a complete virgin can walk up to them and want sex. He can sense it if her virginity doesn’t matter so in the end his ‘performance’ is what determines the power struggle in this case. She can be a virgin, but she can tell if he sucked or not. One girl said “I was a virgin but it was so obvious that he was that bad. He sucked.”
    She did not acknowledge any power of her virginity nope. She had power just because she determined he was terrible.
    Power is in your head and how you force it. If you have to be so determined to hide something and drive it away then you’re just as weak-willed and insecure and trend-hopping as someone who actually believes all that drivel.

  20. Thanks so much for the info. I am a 17-year-old virgin although I have started dating someone recently, so intercourse is something I’ve started to consider occurring in the near future. I’ve always worried that my first time would be painful and like many others, I would like to separate pain from the vulnerability and pleasure that I guess are attached to first time sex. From what I’ve read, a banana with a condom over it should work right? Is it possible at all that the hymen will stretch (painful) but will not fully break? Are there any ways to avoid that, in other words, anything that will definitely break it? Because I’m worried that it will just stretch and not actually break completely. A fast reply would be appreciated. Cheers.

  21. I’m sorry to jump the wagon here but I figured this is a supportive/non perv space to ask this, as opposed to other sex forums I’ve tried to get a SERIOUS reply at [I'm aware this is not a discussion forum, but still...]

    I’ve been extremely horny lately, really wet. I decided to treat myself to some new toys so I got the mini vibrator and
    the laya vibrator, both are Fun Factory’s.

    I tried both tonight and while they felt “good”, I got bored quite quickly.
    I suppose I should include the fact that I’m a virgin. I have a feeling like
    I need to insert the mini [the long vibrator] all the way to actually enjoy it but
    obviously, it’s quite tight and closed off down there.

    I get bored really fast, I enjoy the vibration on my clit but again – I feel
    like I’m missing something, or doing it wrong.

    I really wanna get off but how? Any advice?

    As for the post above – I found it to be very useful. Thanks.

  22. So,

    I’m a 19 year old female virgin with no history of sexual abuse, who refuses to let the gyno mess around or even see my vaginal area. In fact, when the suggestion of such was brought up, I bust into tears and proceeded to curse at him. Needless to say, I’ve never had a boy I allowed to so much as hold my hand. I do NOT want to be touched. I FEEL like I’m being raped when I’m touched (I don’t even mean sexually touched – don’t kiss me, don’t touch my knee, nothing) and usually I don’t even want to be looked. I fall into this mumbley dark headspace and want to disappear. With no sexual abuse that I can recall (I’ve had therapist say I could be blocking it out)…what the fuck makes me this way? Thoughts on the matter appreciated.

  23. I found your “psychological noise” comment interesting. What about a hymen has any psychological meaning? If you have any knowledge of basic biology (and I know that you do,) then you should know that it’s not a reliable indicator of virginity. (and I know that you know this, so…)

    But what I thought was offensive was not this but your response to one of the comments. What makes you think that because someone is looking up “how to break a hymen” on the internet means they have bad communication with their partners? NEWSFLASH: GUYS DON’T NECESSARILY KNOW HOW TO BREAK A HYMEN EITHER. How would they?! I know my man doesn’t, and we’ve talked about it many many times, very comfortably. He’s searched it just as much as I have!

    Finally- this article sort of lacks information. I actually read your “joke” post and found that it contained more actual advice than this one. You outlined the causes of pain and what to watch out for- and then cut short before actually telling us what we should do. What’s up with that?

  24. Okay, I get where everyone is coming from with this thing, and I get that being able to talk about it with your partner is important, but honestly, I wish I had done it myself. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend and bestfriend of two years when I was 17. We were both virgins and we had talked about it, we were prepared, I trusted him, I was relaxed and everything was the way it was supposed to be. But I didn’t feel discomfort and a little bit of blood. I felt pain, that was so intense that it could only be compared to when I broke my leg snowboarding at 13 and there was so. much. blood. Of course, I had heard this was the way it was supposed to be, so I bit my lip and held on. He had closed his eyes and was panting on top of me after four minutes, and when he opened them he saw me lying there crying my eyes out, with a bleeding lip and a pool of blood between my legs. He freaked out and brought me to the emergency room, who told us that this was completely natural and okay. Well, it didn’t feel okay. We had discussed the pain and the hymen and all of that before, and I did love him. Now, I’m 27 and married to him and yet, if I could go back ten years and take care of it slowly and steadily myself, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. And that’s not psychological noise. It’s experience.

    • That was very good advice. I’m a virgin myself

    • Im so glad you post this because i always thought there was something wrong with me since everytime i insert even something as tiny as my pinky in it hurt like hell. And thought i was going to die. My big question is after your hymen breaks, do you feel pleasure?or do you have to have sex a couple of times to feel it??thanks

  25. This was a really helpful post. For economic reasons, I thought it’d be sensible to invest in a menstrual cup (which lasts ten years for twenty bucks!) rather than pay out however much money monthly to buy the disposable options (pads, tampons, etc.). But… I needed a way to get it in… Thanks.

  26. I want to know what to use to break your hymen, where at un your vagina is your hymen and what does it look like?

  27. Honestly…My boyfriend is huge. And I really don’t wanna spoil our first time with any more unnecessary pain. (Its probably going to hurt anyways but I figure this will lessen it a bit.) That’s why I did it. It hurt like hell but its just training for the big leagues. No pain, no gain.

  28. At the risk of blog necrophilia…I’d just like to comment.

    I’m a early twenties pansexual who has had sex with well-endowed men, and with women with strap-ons. I’ve masturbated with various sundry and large or unusually shaped things.
    But my hymen hasn’t broken. It will even bleed without breaking.

    I wouldn’t be concerned, as it has obviously stretched, except that it hurts for the first few minutes every time I have sex. It feels like the hymen will tear right and rupture my urethra, and as some people already know, any time the urethra hurts is no bueno.

    I’m glad this blog is here. I plan to get a med. professional to cut the damn thing-I’m tired of making someone stop while sexing me while I go “OW OW OW HOLY SHIT.”

    This blog beats the snot out of all the Yahoo ask “How do I break my hymen?” threads.

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