I really like kinky people.

Well, I’m sure there are kinky people in the world whom I wouldn’t like – no group is totally free of stupid or mean people – but on the whole when I learn that a person is kinky, I’m inclined to think well of them.

Why?

Sex positivity is part of it. Kinky folks have often had to take a long, hard look at sexuality – their own and the world’s – and come to the conclusion that their own desires are actually completely FINE, in the context of consenting adults, and that people who don’t agree with them (a) can go fuck themselves and (b) are probably suffering from that self-imposed moralizing and narrowly conscribed ideas about sexual expression, and are therefore to be pitied.

That combination of I-pity-you and you-can-go fuck-yourself rings very true to me. I appreciate both the empathy and the lack of tolerance for bullshit.

Kinky folks tend to be sex positive, too, in their willingness and ability to create space for various sexual tastes. Just as they’ve learned to accept their own sexual variety, they’ve learned to tolerate, accept, respect, and celebrate the sexual variety of their fellows in the kink community. Clothespins your thing? Groovy! Breath play? Right on, be safe ya’ll! Nipple clamps? Leather? Chains? Cages? Blood? Do yer thing.

(Gay and lesbian bi bigots piss me off for the same reason: look, YOU’VE faced discrimination, you know how hurtful it can be, so what the fuck are you doing discriminating against someone else?? I actually know the answer to that question, but that doesn’t make it piss me off less.)

Consent is another part of why I like kinky people. This is something that came up when I was discussing consent with students earlier this week: in the BDSM community, folks often invest quite a bit of time and effort in getting clear about boundaries and consent, in a way that folks who feel more at home in the mainstream sexual scripts rarely feel they need to, to their detriment.

I don’t know, might all of this just sound like gross over-generalization, like saying I tend to like Christians or Jews or Muslims or Buddhists? It’s true that I do tend to like people in three of those groups (Christians often make me twitchy and anxious), and it’s true that I just tend to like ALL people, at least for their basic personhood.

But being a member of the kink community is special. Its innate relationship to sexual desire, sexual identity, sexual communication, sexual behavior, makes it a meaningful predictor of folks who are less likely to freak out when I talk about vaginas in public.

See, I’ve been watching this TV series called “Wire in the Blood;” I can’t recommend it, even though I’ve bothered to watch every episodes, because it conflates BDSM, sex work, sexually explicit media, and homosexuality with violent crime, which I object to on principle. It’s a clear case of illustrating that sex is wrong and the punishment for it is a tortured death.

What I like about the show is the main character, Tony Hill, a clinical psychologist who does criminal profiling. He’s simultaneously socially obtuse and deeply empathic. and he often has conversations about vaginas, semen, and similar things at an inappropriate volume in inappropriate places. HE doesn’t judge the sexualities of the folks involved, no, he’s matter-of-fact about sexual variety in a way that alarms others. He is periodically demonized for his empathy with people who vary widely from the norm.

All of those things are familiar experiences to me.

The show, essentially, is a heightened version of my reality: a world where most folks conflate sexual variety with sexual DEVIANCE, and believe it is kissing cousins with violence, abuse, and criminal insanity.

Anyway. Watching it made me want to say out loud that I like kinky people because they tend to be better at a lot of stuff than vanilla folks.

Quite the opposite of what TV would teach us, eh? Well, those TV producers and writers et al, they can go fuck themselves, the poor dears.

More in sexual politics
different for girls v. mars/venus

This summer I read Enlightened Sexism by Susan J Douglas. One of the main things I got from...

Close