pleasure is the measure: one simple rule to radically improve your sex life

pleasure is the measure: one simple rule to radically improve your sex life

I’ve been getting a lot of emails lately from people who are struggling with sex in a wide variety of ways:   My partner wants to have sex but I’m not sure I’m ready, but I also feel bad about the fact that I’m not ready. and   I look back at all the sex I’ve had and I realize that I was only having it because I felt like I was supposed to, and now I realize I don’t even know what sex is supposed to feel like. and   My partner and I love each other but have

An awesome question: How do you fix sex education?

An awesome question: How do you fix sex education?

Here’s an awesome question:   If you could re-design the sexuality education curriculum for middle/high school students what would you change? (i.e. what are some practical relationship skills that you think are missing in today’s youth?)      Honestly, I’d redesign the curriculum so that it was the parents who received the education. Parental shame about sex transmits DIRECTLY into kids’ brains and screws them right the hell up. Fix the parents’ shame, and the kids will sort themselves out. But assuming we can’t do that, I think if I could teach just one central skill to kids, I’d teach…

An awesome question: My vagina eats condoms. What do I do? [UPDATE]

An awesome question: My vagina eats condoms. What do I do? [UPDATE]

Here’s an awesome question:   The problem is that my vagina, as my partner says, “eats condoms.” I have in fact had to take Plan B because of slippage/condom suck-offage. This is particularly a problem when I orgasm (which I do, from penetration, frequently). We often end up having sex with frequent breaks to check whether everything is still firmly where it’s meant to be and/or I have to hold off from orgasms except when one of us is firmly holding the condom on. (I consider this a less-than-ideal solution, incidentally.) I recently went off the pill as it was causing a lot of fatigue and killing my libido (not

An awesome question: is desire discrepancy the root of all evil?

An awesome question: is desire discrepancy the root of all evil?

Here’s an awesome question:   Is the discrepancy in spontaneous desire between men and women the root of all gender-related problems? (I’m talking about the difference between “average of all men” and “average of all women”, not between individuals.)  Because that discrepancy makes sex be seen as something women give to men, and not something men give to women. It’s the reason why (women think) “men always want sex” and why (men think) “women always say no”. Women don’t say no just to be mean, after all.  In other words, there is an imbalance of supply and demand. That’s why …

An awesome question: what is “mojo” and can you have too much?

An awesome question: what is “mojo” and can you have too much?

Here’s an awesome question (plus a friendly trigger warning to go with the answer – discussion of relationship violence): Can women/transwomen “sense” a man’s sexual ‘MOJO (“riz-in”)’; and is it possible to give off a natural, uncontrollable vibe that’s too hot and heavy for average people? This is a serious question To which the only honest answer must be: I don’t even know how science would go about measuring that. Let’s think systematically about how you could operationalize “mojo,” so that you could study it scientifically. How do you measure it? How do you select participants with “high” mojo? Do

An awesome question: How does one go about determining one’s sexual orientation?

An awesome question: How does one go about determining one’s sexual orientation?

Here’s an awesome question:   How does one go about determining one’s sexual orientation?   And someone else asked:   can one change sexuality? for example, het to homo   Let’s take them both together.   The second one is easy: No. Actually, it’s a little more complicated than that: No, not on purpose. It may change, but it doesn’t change because you choose it, it changes because… life experiences changes people a little. Sexual orientation does change over the lifespan – you can become more or less strongly attracted to people of different bodies and personalities. In women, sexual orientation

An awesome question: how does a fetish develop?

An awesome question: how does a fetish develop?

Here’s an awesome question:   how does a fetish develop? how does one acquire one? is it innate? or nurtured?   No one is born with a fetish. In fact, almost nothing is “innately” sexually relevant – at birth, the only thing that sexually arouses us is the sensations of our genitals. So what happens is that from birth, our brains begin linking that sensation with external stimuli – the sensation of our genitals against our hands, the sights and smells around us, people, etc. Remember “classical conditioning” from your college psych class? Pavlov’s dogs learning to salivate when a bell rang,

An awesome question: Is “porn addiction” a thing?

An awesome question: Is “porn addiction” a thing?

Here’s an awesome question:   Is “porn addiction” a real thing? If so, how does one overcome that?   You can’t be “addicted” to porn.  You can  use it compulsively, as a maladaptive way of trying to cope with difficult feelings, just as you can use almost anything. Like Netflix. Or half-gallon containers of ice cream. Or adopting cats. The difference between addiction and compulsion is a technical one, and I guess sometimes people like to use “addiction” as a METAPHOR for their relationship with something like ice cream, cats, or Benedict Cumberbatch, but it is just a metaphor, and