how to deal with heartbreak: difficult feelings are like a tunnel…

how to deal with heartbreak: difficult feelings are like a tunnel…

Feelings, y’all. I’ve been receiving many questions about The Feels lately. The thing about difficult feelings is that they end, as long as you allow your body to complete the cycle. It means not needing to feel “in control” of your body, because you can relax into your body, you can trust it to do what it needs to do, without you needing to direct it. I say this over and over again, it so important and so hard to remember when you’re deep in the middle of it, and so I was like, “What can I give people that they

mine

mine

Sometime in the summer of maybe 2008, I sat on a roof in Baltimore with my brother and sister, drinking beer and talking about luuuuuv. My brother said, “I don’t like to introduce anyone as ‘my girlfriend’ or ‘my partner’ because it’s like I’m saying that’s their whole identity, they exist only as part of my collection of stuff.” And fair enough. He’s an Extremely Nice Guy. Feminist. But I am also extremely nice and femininst, and I said, “No, I like it when a guy does that. I like that he’s publicly saying that he’s in this very specific

how you know when to end a relationship

Nobody meets with me to talk about sex anymore. Sometime over the last year, my conversations with students have shifted from being about sex to being about relationships. (That is, unless they’re about alcohol, stress, sleep, or any of the myriad other things that fall under “wellness.”) In the past week, multiple times I’ve talked about The End of Your Relationship. Over and over, the question arises: How do you know when it’s time to end it? Because it’s almost never straightforward, is it? You wouldn’t have started the relationship if there weren’t something remarkable about this person, if there

advice for getting over a break-up

ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE ENDING! Person after person is emailing me like, “My relationship of X years is ending and I’m drowning. Help.” So here’s some advice, for what it’s worth, composited from what I’ve told folks: First, let me start with a caveat: it’s not really “getting over” a break-up, it’s SURVIVING. Breaking up SUCKS, it hurts for a long time, and there isn’t anything you can healthfully do to avoid having it hurt a lot. But it’s supposed to hurt, it’s good and right that it hurts. Quoth the good Ms Rowling: ‘There is no shame in what

shenpa sex

I went on the BEST VACATION EVER during spring break, which included a killer ass-whuppin’ of a yoga class at the hotel’s spa. The yoga instructor introduced us to the term, “shenpa,” a Tibetan term meaning something like, “attached” or “hooked” or “urge” or “an itch and the desire to scratch it.” She told us to notice any urges we had, notice our desires, and lean into them, really get curious about them, and just be with them without doing anything. Totally. Awesome. And much more than I anticipated from a hotel spa’s Saturday morning yoga class, ya betcha. And

relationship talk video

Ask and ye shall receive, my chickadees: Family Tree to Love Nest: Relationship skills for real life. My intern recorded it and posted it on the internets for me. It’s long. I haven’t watched it. I offer no guarantees. But if you’re interested, there ya go.

for the non-jealous partner

It was pointed out to me that in my jealousy post of more than a year ago, I said I’d write a post for the non-jealous partner. I never did. So here: If you’re partner to someone who is jealous, start by reading the jealousy post above. And then memorize this sentence: The process of becoming an adult is the process of taking on responsibility for meeting your own needs. Now then. Your partner is jealous because of some combination of insecurity and lack of trust. It is NOT YOUR JOB to MAKE your partner secure or trusting, but you

never let me go

So I’ve just read (had read to me – audio book) Kazuo Ishiguro’s “Never Let Me Go.” It’s a rare foray into literary fiction for me; literary fiction often pisses me off for the pretentious, ignorant, showy way it deals with sex; the sex is always sick, deviant, dysfunctional, uncomfortable, boring, or perfunctory, where the sex in romance novels is deceptively ecstatic. (Which would you choose to read about for recreation, if you’re a sex educator who spends large chunks of her day thinking about the ways sex goes wrong?) The title, “Never Let Me Go,” derives from a fictional