how to deal with heartbreak: difficult feelings are like a tunnel…

how to deal with heartbreak: difficult feelings are like a tunnel…

Feelings, y’all. I’ve been receiving many questions about The Feels lately. The thing about difficult feelings is that they end, as long as you allow your body to complete the cycle. It means not needing to feel “in control” of your body, because you can relax into your body, you can trust it to do what it needs to do, without you needing to direct it. I say this over and over again, it so important and so hard to remember when you’re deep in the middle of it, and so I was like, “What can I give people that they

the dual control model

the dual control model

Originally written by the romantic euphemism and me for Erika Masturbateer Moen’s Oh Joy Sex Toy, here is The Dirty Normal Official Summary of How the Dual Control Model Works:

monogamy is like math. desire is like dinner.

Look. Who’s worse at monogamy, men or women? *sigh* You can only make a question like that MEAN something if you think there’s some inherent THING that is “men and monogamy” and “women and monogamy” and “heterosexual relationships and monogamy.” And there isn’t some inherent THING that is men or women or monogamy. So the question doesn’t mean anything. It’s nonsense. It’s a questioned framed by very boring, very ordinary sexual politics. May I attempt to reframe it? Many science educators answered the question: Can you be an astronaut if you’re bad at math? And in many ways, I think

why every journalist will want to read my sex book

Journalists. I love them and I love their important job, and god knows I could never do it. But one way I’d measure the success of my (putative) book is if intelligent journalists read it and then stopped making unnecessary mistakes. For example, everyone at the NYT needs to learn about responsive desire (it’s in my Chapter 5). They needed to know about it here and here and most recently here. These are all on the subject of medical interventions for “female sexual dysfunction” – and these are all articles published within the last year. And everyone at The Atlantic

mine

mine

Sometime in the summer of maybe 2008, I sat on a roof in Baltimore with my brother and sister, drinking beer and talking about luuuuuv. My brother said, “I don’t like to introduce anyone as ‘my girlfriend’ or ‘my partner’ because it’s like I’m saying that’s their whole identity, they exist only as part of my collection of stuff.” And fair enough. He’s an Extremely Nice Guy. Feminist. But I am also extremely nice and femininst, and I said, “No, I like it when a guy does that. I like that he’s publicly saying that he’s in this very specific

how you fix that

[trigger warning: Steubenville, a little bit] A lot of people have a lot to say on the conviction of the two boys who raped a girl in Steubenville. Henry Rollins asked, “How do you fix that?” The “that” to which he referred is: It is obvious that the two offenders saw the victim as some one that could be treated as a thing. This is not about sex, it is about power and control. I guess that is what I am getting at. Sex was probably not the hardest thing for the two to get, so that wasn’t the objective.

reply to Alain de Botton

Alain de Botton commented on my critique of his piece from Psychology Today that claimed that genitals can act as “unambiguous agents of sincerity.” My critique was both that (1) it is simply untrue that genitals are a reliable way to tell how aroused a person is feeling, and also that (2) the idea that they ARE can lead all too easily to misunderstandings, the belief that you or your partner is broken, and even apologism for sexual violence. I illustrated with two examples from women I know, both in consensual partnerships, one of whom experienced genital response when she