what to teach your boys – prevent violence with one simple idea

what to teach your boys – prevent violence with one simple idea

In addition to the horrorshow that is the news of the United States these days, recently a friend of mine called in a panic. He was supporting a friend of his, who had just been sexually assaulted – a woman, assaulted by a man. Once we got through the basics – how to support a survivor; going to the police; going to the hospital; calling a crisis line; etc – we gradually got to the crux of his experience: He is a good man, and his is the father of two young boys. So he wanted to know what to teach

“they don’t want to hear that from us!”

“they don’t want to hear that from us!”

I finished “Girls and Sex.” It was a lot harder to read than I expected – which is to say, it was really, really important. The book ends on the note of “what we need to do to change the mess.” More than anything else, as I telegraphed in my last post, is talk to girls (and boys) about pleasure. The author writes of talking with a mom like herself – progressive and feminist – about talking to her daughter about mastubration and orgasm, to which the mom replies, as so many adult caregivers would, “They don’t want to hear

talking to girls about their own pleasure

talking to girls about their own pleasure

I can’t wait to read Peggy Orenstein’s new book, Girls and Sex. I was looking forward to it before I listened to this interview on NPR’s Fresh Air, and now I’m champing at the bit. And. The interview makes clear to me something someone who has already read it told me: “Girls & Sex is a deep dive into the problem. Come As You Are is the solution.”   The interview – and the book – comes to the conclusion that the problems girls face in the midst of porn culture, rape culture, patriarchy, and all the rest of it,

in which emily isn’t convinced that “female” is a gender

This past week I was talking with a group of students, and toward the end one raised her hand asked if I would stop using the phrases “female bodied people” and “male bodied people” and instead say “people with vaginas” and “people with penises.” The student said that phrases like “male bodied people” unnecessarily impose a gender on people with those bodies. We talked about it for a while and I’m pretty sure I accidentally pissed her off, since she and her friend sat on the floor texting each other furiously immediately after, right in front of me, which is

An awesome question: is desire discrepancy the root of all evil?

An awesome question: is desire discrepancy the root of all evil?

Here’s an awesome question:   Is the discrepancy in spontaneous desire between men and women the root of all gender-related problems? (I’m talking about the difference between “average of all men” and “average of all women”, not between individuals.)  Because that discrepancy makes sex be seen as something women give to men, and not something men give to women. It’s the reason why (women think) “men always want sex” and why (men think) “women always say no”. Women don’t say no just to be mean, after all.  In other words, there is an imbalance of supply and demand. That’s why …

An awesome question: How does one go about determining one’s sexual orientation?

An awesome question: How does one go about determining one’s sexual orientation?

Here’s an awesome question:   How does one go about determining one’s sexual orientation?   And someone else asked:   can one change sexuality? for example, het to homo   Let’s take them both together.   The second one is easy: No. Actually, it’s a little more complicated than that: No, not on purpose. It may change, but it doesn’t change because you choose it, it changes because… life experiences changes people a little. Sexual orientation does change over the lifespan – you can become more or less strongly attracted to people of different bodies and personalities. In women, sexual orientation

An awesome question: how do you ask to try something adventurous, without freaking out a new partner?

An awesome question: how do you ask to try something adventurous, without freaking out a new partner?

Here’s an awesome question:   When you’re with someone new, what’s the best way to gauge their adventurousness in the bedroom? How do I suggest new positions, techniques, things considered “kinky” without coming off as someone who has tried everything?   Well the too-easy answer is: The best way to gauge their adventurousness or anything is to ask. “Would you be interested in trying reverse cowgirl?” “I’ve been fantasizing about tying you to the bed, blindfolding you, and not letting you up until I make you come three times. What’s your opinion of that?” “How would you feel about possibly spanking

how to support a survivor, in 4 difficult sentences.

how to support a survivor, in 4 difficult sentences.

This is one of those times where you’ve got to say something, right, and you’re like, “What on earth is there to say?” Well. One of the things I can say is: go read the #yesallwomen hashtag on Twitter, for a primer on what it’s like to live in a culture where living in a feminine body is still – STILL – a risk factor for violence. And another thing I can say is, to survivors: I believe you. Thank you for trusting me with your stories. I am sorry that someone hurt you. And I support you, whatever you