“interesting if true, but so what?” – managing the long-term injuries to sexual wellbeing

“interesting if true, but so what?” – managing the long-term injuries to sexual wellbeing

Cleaning the house today, I am listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estés’s The Joyous Body: Myths & Stories of the Wise Woman Archetype, and was moved to write about something she said that I think is profoundly relevant to those of us who are trying to heal from the wounds inflicted on our sexualities by a sex negative culture or by sexual predators. She says to take full care of your hurts. Take full care, and then if it still hurts, she says, tell yourself, “Interesting if true, but so what?” Here’s why: If you shift focus away from pain, it

calling all sex positive folks! #tweetyourlube

calling all sex positive folks! #tweetyourlube

In her article at Salon, Rachel Kramer Bussel saved us all the trouble of comprehensively rebutting UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion Ronda Rousey’s terrible advice to Maxim readers that using lube is “lazy.” If you don’t know why using lube is not just often very pleasurable but also necessary for the health and wellbeing of a person’s body, read Rachel’s piece – and maybe watch this two minute video about arousal nonconcordance:     Lube is very often your friend! I know it’s mine! So all that’s left for us is to counteract Ronda’s lube-shaming with some lube pride!   This calls for a hashtag.

the dual control model, in under two minutes

the dual control model, in under two minutes

We’ve seen the video that we can send to people, to explain arousal nonconcordance in under two minutes. Now here’s a video to explain the dual control model – the sexual “accelerator” and “brakes” that govern the sexual response mechanism. If you’ve ever sat at a bar trying to explain it to a friend and wished you could just show them a video on your phone or something… your wish is my command:

arousal nonconcordance, in two minutes

Have you tried to explain arousal nonconcordance to your partner, a friend, or a stranger in a coffee shop? ME TOO. Have you wished there were just, like, a 2 minute video you could send them that would summarize it? Well now there is! As with all quick summaries, it leaves out a buncha details, but the basics are all there! Share and enjoy, friends.

anatomy: Columella nasi

anatomy:  Columella nasi

I learned another vocabulary word: Columella nasi: It’s the thing that splits your nostrils.   It is a very, very, very intimate place to touch. And lick. And it’s generally a good plan to make sure the person has a good sense of humor.   Just an idea, in case you’re looking for something to do tonight.  

anatomy: rasceta

anatomy: rasceta

I have learned a new word. I’m excited about it, and I want to share it with you.   Ready?   It’s: Rasceta: The lines on the back of your wrist   It’s pronounced a bit like “receipt-ah.” The skin of the wrist and forearm is wired to have poor spatial acuity, but pretty darn good sensitivity to light touch. Translation: the rasceta want you to touch them with the very, very tips of your fingers, and with your tongue and lips.   That is all.

a new year’s resolution: notice pleasure

a new year’s resolution: notice pleasure

So many of us in the modern Western world are taught to beat the shit out of ourselves, because beating the shit out of ourselves is apparently how we will grow. How we heal. How we will earn the right to be loved. Reality check: If you beat the shit out of a baby or a dog or a bird or any living organism, does it grow? Does it heal? Does it earn the right to be loved? In fact, living organisms grow in the warm light of safety and curious exploration. We heal under the soothing balm of compassion and kindness. And to

confidence and joy: how to

confidence and joy: how to

Confidence and joy. They are how you make magical sex happen. But confidence and joy are hard to come by sometimes, friends. Sometimes the world is an awful place and sometimes it tries to tell you you’re awful too. So for a long time, I’ve been trying to work out great ways to teach people how they can increase confidence and joy. Today, I’m pleased to offer this idea:   Try on the tiara.   “What the hell does that mean, Emily?” you ask. And I answer: in the movie, “Frozen,” Elsa, the sister with the ice power, uses her superpower to create