In her article at Salon, Rachel Kramer Bussel saved us all the trouble of comprehensively rebutting UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion Ronda Rousey’s terrible advice to Maxim readers that using lube is “lazy.” If you don’t know why using lube is not just often very pleasurable but also necessary for the health and wellbeing of a person’s body, read Rachel’s piece – and maybe watch this two minute video about arousal nonconcordance: Lube is very often your friend! I know it’s mine! So all that’s left for us is to counteract Ronda’s lube-shaming with some lube pride! This calls for a hashtag.
Have you tried to explain arousal nonconcordance to your partner, a friend, or a stranger in a coffee shop? ME TOO. Have you wished there were just, like, a 2 minute video you could send them that would summarize it? Well now there is! As with all quick summaries, it leaves out a buncha details, but the basics are all there! Share and enjoy, friends.
Here’s an awesome question: how does a fetish develop? how does one acquire one? is it innate? or nurtured? No one is born with a fetish. In fact, almost nothing is “innately” sexually relevant – at birth, the only thing that sexually arouses us is the sensations of our genitals. So what happens is that from birth, our brains begin linking that sensation with external stimuli – the sensation of our genitals against our hands, the sights and smells around us, people, etc. Remember “classical conditioning” from your college psych class? Pavlov’s dogs learning to salivate when a bell rang,
Here’s an awesome question: I feel like the kind of arousal I get from my partner is somehow a different kind of arousal from the kind that actually leads me to have an orgasm.Here’s what I’ve observed: our typical pattern of having sex starts with making out, then goes to them fingering me and sometimes going down on me, and then I pull out my vibrator and get myself off. I’m usually feeling very turned on by the time I reach for my vibrator… but when I start to use it, it’s like I’m starting from a basically unaroused state, even if my clit has been very involved
On Thursday, I attended a day-long meeting with about 30 fellow college health educators from all around New England, and at the end of it one of the new educators came up to me and say, “Hey, do you ever do talks on other campuses?” “Sure I do.” “Did you ever do one at University of Delaware?” “Yeah, I’ve done a couple there. I went there for undergrad, too.” “Oh my god. I was like, ‘Why do I recognize her?’ and I’m pretty sure it’s because I was at a talk you did in 2007 about the dual control model!
A tremendously exciting paper is being published in June’s Behaviour Research and Therapy journal. One of the authors tweeted it, I read it, and I was so excited that I had to tell y’all about it right away. The title is Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women, and its authors are Lori Brotto and Rosemary Basson, two of the most fantastic sex researchers currently working in the field of women’s sexual functioning. The paper is an outcome evaluation of their Mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral sex therapy (MBCST), a four-session combined group psychosexual education and mindfulness education program that
Well I mean OF COURSE I’ll write a post about the NYT Sunday cover story about how straight couples with more gender equity have less satisfying sex lives. I’m going to skip over the things I think the article misses and gets wrong. I’m going to skip over the historical forces in the English-speaking world that have constructed and eroticized the narrative of gender-based power differentials. I’m going to skip over the difference between wanting and liking, the difference between “sexually relevant” and “sexually appealing,” and the difference between “hitting the gas pedal” and “taking off the brake.” There’s really
In the Desire chapter, I discuss the importance of IDENTITY in creating a context that facilitates sexual desire. The research tells us that when a behavior change is not just something you DO but rather an integral part of who you ARE, you are more likely to make and sustain change. In this case, identifying as “a woman who loves sex” or as “a sexy hot erotic woman who is curious and playful about sex” contributes to a context that allows a woman to turn off the “offs” – that is, to eliminate all the barriers to having great sex.*