making responsive desire AWESOME

making responsive desire AWESOME

I am not a comment reader, as a rule (apart from y’all), but when attentive people, doing more thinking than reacting, comment about the stuff I write, I usually learn something important. Like here: Probably [Emily’s] biggest point is that “responsive desire” is not the same as low desire, but she’ll have her own book on the subject out pretty soon. Yeah, okay, but (a) it’s not the case that spontaneous desire is just what men have while women have responsive desire — it depends on the circumstances, (b) spontaneous desire can be a lot more fun, and (c) it

An awesome question: is desire discrepancy the root of all evil?

An awesome question: is desire discrepancy the root of all evil?

Here’s an awesome question:   Is the discrepancy in spontaneous desire between men and women the root of all gender-related problems? (I’m talking about the difference between “average of all men” and “average of all women”, not between individuals.)  Because that discrepancy makes sex be seen as something women give to men, and not something men give to women. It’s the reason why (women think) “men always want sex” and why (men think) “women always say no”. Women don’t say no just to be mean, after all.  In other words, there is an imbalance of supply and demand. That’s why …

An awesome question: How do I initiate sex when my partner doesn’t have spontaneous desire?

An awesome question: How do I initiate sex when my partner doesn’t have spontaneous desire?

Here’s an awesome question:   I love what you’ve written on responsive desire- it makes so much sense! I wanted to know if you have any advice as far as initiating sexual activity with a partner whose desire for sex is primarily responsive? I know that communication is key, but I’m terribly shy, and have a lot of trouble initiating with my partner. My partner doesn’t really experience spontaneous desire even though they’re happy to respond.    Totally! A review of responsive versus spontaneous desire: Spontaneous desire is out-of-the-blue desire for sex. Responsive desire is desire for sex that emerges

An awesome question: My spouse’s desire has disappeared. Will I ever have sex again?

An awesome question: My spouse’s desire has disappeared. Will I ever have sex again?

Here’s another awesome question about desire in a long term relationship, this time a monogamous one:   My partner is 40. They no longer have any interest in sex whatsoever and can’t be gotten into the mood no matter what we do. Nor are they willing to engage in sex if they’re not interested–they say they feels like I’d be using them. What do I do? Am I doomed to masturbation for the rest of my life?   The real answer is: Sex therapy. AASECT has a list of certified sex therapists and counselors, by geographic area. Find one. You are stuck, and no amount of education can get

An awesome question: why do I desire sex with my secondary partners, but not my primary?

An awesome question: why do I desire sex with my secondary partners, but not my primary?

Here’s an awesome question that I actually got a while ago, about sexual desire in an open relationship:   Hi! I’m a 24 year old bi poly [gender]. I have a bit of a pattern of finding ‘new’ people (people I’ve just started to sleep with, or don’t get to see/sleep with very often) much easier to click with sexually than people I’ve been seeing for a while and have spent lots of time with. This is fine with me, except that I’m in a open relationship and whilst I love my partner (who I’ve been with for around 14 months) and find them very attractive, I’m just

An awesome question: how does birth control affect sexual interest?

An awesome question: how does birth control affect sexual interest?

Here’s an awesome question:   How does birth control affect libido? Can it affect how strongly one feels sexual stimulation, or prevent orgasm? Is there any way to counteract these effects?   About a third of women experience a decrease in sexual interest when they’re on the birth control Pill, and about a fifth of women experience an increase in their interest in sex. The remaining half of women experience no change (Sanders et al., “A Prospective Study;” see also Burrows, et al (PDF)). If your interest in sex goes down when you start on hormonal contraception and you’d like it to go

An awesome question: how do I stay interested in sex after ejaculation?

An awesome question: how do I stay interested in sex after ejaculation?

Here’s an awesome question:   Happy vacation! I’m a male in my late 30’s. What are some ways to improve prolonging my interest in sex after ejaculation? I have all these grand ideas of continuing the sexy times, but then I ejaculate and completely fizzle (not just physically, I lose almost all interest in sex almost immediately). My partner is usually worn out at this point too so it’s not a problem in our sex life. Sometimes she is interested in continuing, and will guide me to continue touching or going down, that’s usually the best way to keep me

I drew this graph about sexual desire… and I think it might change your life.

I drew this graph about sexual desire… and I think it might change your life.

Regular readers know that I often talk about responsive desire, a completely normal and strongly evidence-based desire “style” that contrasts with “spontaneous” desire. “Spontaneous” desire is sexual desire that feels out of the blue, whereas responsive desire emerges once a person is in an erotic context. The mainstream cultural understanding of desire tends to be that it’s “spontaneous,” and I’ve been looking for a way to show that responsive desire is just as normal and healthy as spontaneous desire. Well. I decided to draw a graph. See, while I was writing the book, I figured out rough estimates of what proportion of