Sometime in the summer of maybe 2008, I sat on a roof in Baltimore with my brother and sister, drinking beer and talking about luuuuuv. My brother said, “I don’t like to introduce anyone as ‘my girlfriend’ or ‘my partner’ because it’s like I’m saying that’s their whole identity, they exist only as part of my collection of stuff.” And fair enough. He’s an Extremely Nice Guy. Feminist. But I am also extremely nice and femininst, and I said, “No, I like it when a guy does that. I like that he’s publicly saying that he’s in this very specific

advice for getting over a break-up

ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE ENDING! Person after person is emailing me like, “My relationship of X years is ending and I’m drowning. Help.” So here’s some advice, for what it’s worth, composited from what I’ve told folks: First, let me start with a caveat: it’s not really “getting over” a break-up, it’s SURVIVING. Breaking up SUCKS, it hurts for a long time, and there isn’t anything you can healthfully do to avoid having it hurt a lot. But it’s supposed to hurt, it’s good and right that it hurts. Quoth the good Ms Rowling: ‘There is no shame in what

hard to get

So. I recently made fun of the advice that playing hard to get will help attract a romantic partner. And it is stupid advice. But it’s so ubiquitous, so often repeated, so habitually believed, that one can’t help wondering if there isn’t maybe SOMETHING to it. My opinion is that it’s a problem of correlation not being causation, and also of attachment styles. Correlation problem first: The first “stage” in attachment to another person (in real life, nothing ever happens in stages, this is just a convenient simplification) is proximity seeking. You want to be NEAR the object of attachment,

help: drunk lesbian hook ups

I’m looking for insight from ya’ll. In my job, I’m actually what’s known in the health education biz as “a generalist,” meaning I’m all things too all people, equal parts sex educator, alcohol educator, sleep, stress, mental health, physical activity educator… everything. It’s an important job that I take very seriously and do, if I may say so myself, extremely well. I certainly try hard, at any rate. The sex stuff is my favorite part of course, and handily it intersects with just about all the other things, rather in the way that salt brings out the flavor of other

the first boy who liked me

When I was in the fifth grade, there was this kid, this boy, with coke bottle glasses and a mouth full of metal braces and a lisp and an affinity for science fiction. He was, obviously, a genius and we all knew it and we all ostracized him. In fact, the only person lower on the social ladder than him was me, and even I, in a chickenhearted effort to be a joiner, mocked him. One day we’re doing an activity that involves finding words that you can spell by pronouncing letters. Like, “M. T.” for empty or “N. R.

top hat smorgasbord: ones I’ve answered on the blog

So hey, tomorrow is the first anniversary of the blog! That’s cool, right? In honor of that, let’s take a look back, as mediated by my students’ questions. See, there were a buncha questions in the top hat that I’ve addressed previously on the blog. Here ya go: Not because I think I “should” or “must” enjoy anal sex but because I genuinely think it’s a fun idea and I’d like to find it more pleasurable, what kinds of things can my (male) partner and I do to facilitate it? Relaxation, Lubrication, Communication. Not necessarily in that order. Is the

the parable of the man magnet

the parable of the man magnet

This is a post about dating and relationships. So I got this dog: He’s 63 pounds of 7 year old hound-retriver mix, whom I rescued from the shelter where he lived for 5 years (!!), after being taken from a home where some offensively, criminally irresponsible parents let their sociopaths-in-training teenage boys burn him with cigarettes. His name is Greenbean – not that he cares. He walks poorly on a leash, he’s still trying to learn to play fetch, he doesn’t respond to his name if there’s anything interesting to smell, and he’s convinced my 13 year old cat is

nice guys

I didn’t intend for my recent beta post to be about the false dichotomy between “nice guys” and “bad boys,” but lots of the comments were about that. Can I offer an opinion on the subject? Bad boys- and I’m referring here to the attractively naughty ones, not the dickheads – are confident on the outside and wounded on the inside. Their wounds cause them to behave in risky ways (in my job I describe this as “maladaptive health behaviors to manage negative affect”), and the confidence is a shell to protect the squadgy bits in the middle; like chitin