making the first move: asking them out

The things people ask me. “How do you ask someone out?” they ask me. Achingly vulnerable questions with impossible answers. Well. The short answer is “You ask them out. Just fuckin’ do it.” Which is not helpful, but actually is true. Let’s see if we can’t dig a little deeper. What’s the risk in asking someone out, initiating the first kiss, being the first to say, “I love you”? Why, the risk is that the other person will respond with revulsion, pity, horror, derisive laughter, or some other variety of REJECTION. They’ll say NO, they’ll turn you down like a

I can’t escape Tiger Woods’ sex life

I’ve been avoiding talking about sex addiction/sexual compulsivity for weeks and weeks because whenever I talk about it I sound like a bitch. Also I’ve never worked with sexual compulsives myself, so my knowledge is only theoretical. But I have finally crossed some kind of nonsense-ignoring/tolerating threshold with HuffPosts’s story about Tiger Woods’ texts about violence, choking, and urinating with sex. I just want to make sure that folks aren’t conflating kink with sexual compulsivity, which means I need to make two distinctions. The first is the notion of “sex addiction.” The whole idea of sex “addiction” is problematic for

what women want (5)

Part 5 in the weekly, indefinite series about what women want. This week, women want… … to succumb. I searched hard for that verb. It means “to yield to superior strength or force or overpowering appeal or desire.” Other verbs I considered: submit, acquiesce, yield, relent, let go, surrender, capitulate, accede, relinquish or abandon control, be controlled, be dominated… none of those quite express what happens in this tricky little dynamic. First, you must appreciate her, then you must remove things for her to worry about, and then you must provide a force to which she can’t help but succumb.

“I’m silently judging you.”

Apparently I’m either really lucky or really oblivious. According to a recent study, single women between the ages of 25-35 feel intensely “scrutinized by friends, family members and others for their singlehood.” And I just don’t. So either my friends, family, et al are genuinely non-judgmental and supportive about my relationship status, or they’re silently judging me and I’m too socially inept to tell. If people are thinking, “Single still? Must be something wrong with her!” I’m generally inclined to agree, when I compare myself to social standards. See, I’m quite happy on my own, and that seems to imply

Orgasm 7: multiples

I get asked about multiple orgasms pretty regularly. There are a couple different experiences people label “multiple.” (1) You have an orgasm, you don’t stop having sex, and you have another orgasm maybe 10 minutes later; (2) You have an orgasm and then immediately have another and immediately have another. The second seems to require some innate pre-disposition to responsiveness in order to have it reliably. The first, though, is accessible to many women. What is orgasm, after all? It’s the explosive release of sexual tension, when that tension crosses a certain threshold. If the orgasm fails to dissipate a

introducing… the g-spot

I said I’d write about the g-spot, so here it is! Hurrah. This is just an intro – it’s history, what it is, where it is. “G” stands for Grafenberg, the gynecologist who “discovered” the spot. In 1950 he wrote an academic article about the role of the urethra in female sexual response, particularly with regard to orgasm through penetration. It was named the g-spot by researchers Beverly Whipple and John Perry, 30 years after the original article was published. What is it? It’s your prostate… sorta. Every part that a man has, a woman has an equivalent part, a

on novelty

So I was driving home from my sister’s last night, turning over David Mitchell’s most recent column in my head. Briefly, it’s about the impenetrably derivative nature of broadcast media these days, and calls for originality, novelty rather than adaptation. Not about sex. However. I’m me. “Spoken like a man,” I thought to myself… and then I thought some more, and it turns out I’m wrong, but for totally fascinating reasons. (I think.) You see, men respond to novelty, whereas, as I’ve mentioned before, a woman is more likely to be orgasmic with a partner she’s already been with. Women’s

In praise of men

Let us turn our thoughts to the excellent men in the world. Shall we? My sister’s husband took the recycling to the grocery store today without being asked. My mom’s husband brings her flowers regularly. Why? Because he thinks of her, feels like the jammy bastard he is, and wants to give her something to say thank you. A student who graduated last year? Her boyfriend, as a surprise, flew from Germany just to spend the weekend with her . Then there was the usually reticent young gentleman who lay with me one night and said quite spontaneously, “In the