jealousy

Krissy suggested I post something about jealousy, one of my favorite subjects. I’m sure it’ll end up requiring more than one post because it’s a massive topic deserving of thorough examination. So jealousy. I’ve only ever met one person who said he’d never been jealous and I just can’t get any sense of what his internal life must be like. What does it feel like never to fear that the person you love will stop loving you and love someone else instead? I can’t imagine what that’s like. I, who know for sure, both academically and experientially, that love doesn’t

aphrodisia again

Just a month or so again, David Schnarch (one of my favorite people on earth) explained that being nice to your partner is the real-life aphrodisiac. Yeah, that’s what I meant to say!!

aphrodisiac chocolate bar?

A gal’s gotta make a living, I know, and good on Violet Blue for leveraging her sex writing into what is undoubtedly a very tasty chocolate bar (as it should be for $11.50) but just for the record I feel obliged to say this: There is no such thing as an aphrodisiac – by which I mean there is nothing you can eat, drink or inhale that will increase you “sex drive” (must write a post about the bullshit nature of the phrase “sex drive”). At the same time, it is true that sexuality related drugs have the strongest placebo

making the first move: asking them out

The things people ask me. “How do you ask someone out?” they ask me. Achingly vulnerable questions with impossible answers. Well. The short answer is “You ask them out. Just fuckin’ do it.” Which is not helpful, but actually is true. Let’s see if we can’t dig a little deeper. What’s the risk in asking someone out, initiating the first kiss, being the first to say, “I love you”? Why, the risk is that the other person will respond with revulsion, pity, horror, derisive laughter, or some other variety of REJECTION. They’ll say NO, they’ll turn you down like a

I can’t escape Tiger Woods’ sex life

I’ve been avoiding talking about sex addiction/sexual compulsivity for weeks and weeks because whenever I talk about it I sound like a bitch. Also I’ve never worked with sexual compulsives myself, so my knowledge is only theoretical. But I have finally crossed some kind of nonsense-ignoring/tolerating threshold with HuffPosts’s story about Tiger Woods’ texts about violence, choking, and urinating with sex. I just want to make sure that folks aren’t conflating kink with sexual compulsivity, which means I need to make two distinctions. The first is the notion of “sex addiction.” The whole idea of sex “addiction” is problematic for

what women want (5)

Part 5 in the weekly, indefinite series about what women want. This week, women want… … to succumb. I searched hard for that verb. It means “to yield to superior strength or force or overpowering appeal or desire.” Other verbs I considered: submit, acquiesce, yield, relent, let go, surrender, capitulate, accede, relinquish or abandon control, be controlled, be dominated… none of those quite express what happens in this tricky little dynamic. First, you must appreciate her, then you must remove things for her to worry about, and then you must provide a force to which she can’t help but succumb.

“I’m silently judging you.”

Apparently I’m either really lucky or really oblivious. According to a recent study, single women between the ages of 25-35 feel intensely “scrutinized by friends, family members and others for their singlehood.” And I just don’t. So either my friends, family, et al are genuinely non-judgmental and supportive about my relationship status, or they’re silently judging me and I’m too socially inept to tell. If people are thinking, “Single still? Must be something wrong with her!” I’m generally inclined to agree, when I compare myself to social standards. See, I’m quite happy on my own, and that seems to imply

Orgasm 7: multiples

I get asked about multiple orgasms pretty regularly. There are a couple different experiences people label “multiple.” (1) You have an orgasm, you don’t stop having sex, and you have another orgasm maybe 10 minutes later; (2) You have an orgasm and then immediately have another and immediately have another. The second seems to require some innate pre-disposition to responsiveness in order to have it reliably. The first, though, is accessible to many women. What is orgasm, after all? It’s the explosive release of sexual tension, when that tension crosses a certain threshold. If the orgasm fails to dissipate a