the experience versus the memory

Nobel prize winner and psychologist extraordinaire Daniel Kahmeman talks about the distinction between the experiencing self versus the remembering self in the context of happiness – happy in your life (experience) versus happy about your life (remembering). Of course I’m a sexuality person so I wonder how this relates to sexuality. Given the importance of self-reported “distress” in the diagnosis of sexual dysfunction (PDF of paper by Cynthia Graham, my clinical supervisor in grad school and one of my heroes), it’s likely that a difference between the experience and the memory would have significance for the assessment, diagnosis, and treatment

the real law of averages: the best sex offends people

This is a nerd polemic against “normal.” People want to know that they are normal – and they want to know how to have the best sex. You absolutely can not have both. You have to pick: normal (i.e., average, typical, ordinary) OR the best (i.e., exceptional, extraordinary, rare… abnormal). Non-sex example to illustrate: a coupla weeks ago, The Guardian Science Podcast disclosed the World’s Funniest Joke. Ready? Here it is: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his

a very sex nerd birthday

Lately Wednesdays have been What Women Want Wednesdays. But this week’s is an extra-special, MUSICAL birthday edition of the sex nerd about what this particular woman wants. In “Mary Poppins,” little Jane Banks sings about what she wants in her “Perfect Nanny.” (The rest of this post will make much more sense if you watch the original.) So for my birthday, I have taken the liberty of rewriting the lyrics in the form of a birthday request for “The Perfect Manny.” D’you see. CREDITS: Videography by my sister, who is a choral conductor and whose birthday it also is (that’s

cross dressing moths

I try not to be an angry ranting blogger, I do. Mostly I like being a helpful educational blogger who tells people how to have better sex, but if I don’t post the angry rants on the blog, then it bleeds out into my real life and I become extremely tedious to my friends, family, and co-workers. They all thank you for your tolerance. So we have a new example of the ridiculous anthropomorphizing that I called Mistake 4: anthropomorphizing desire. Purportedly “scientists” (insert Dr Horrible-esque figure in evil white lab coat, threateningly large rubber gloves, and ominously opaque goggles

Orgasm 10: simultaneous

(Apologies in advance for the heteronormativity of this post. Simultaneous orgasms are easier for same-sex couple because they aren’t necessarily facing the same biological differences that curse the straighties. Not to say they’re EASY for same-sex couples. Just a bit less difficult.) Romance novels and movies are awash in simultaneous orgasms. Hero and Heroeen (read that like you’re Dudley Do-right) cross that exquisite threshold, launch themselves willingly over a trembling edge, and tumble downward in a spiraling, panting tangle of sheets and sweat and oxytocin. Boy howdy, right? It’s terribly compelling, terribly romantic, this notion of fusing so utterly with

orgasm differences (to impress others at parties)

This is one of those statistic-y posts that people tend to like. It’s stuffed full of the kind of facts you can share at parties. Put them in your pocket and whip them out when there’s a lull in the conversation, or use them as icebreakers when you’re looking for an in with the hottie over by the bean dip. “Did you know that a hypothesized function of the male refractory period is to allow his body time to replenish its sperm supply?” Panty peeler. Every time. (Not really. Never start a conversation that way.) So here we go: I’ve

anal penetration

Again, by request: anal intercourse. Let me say first that penetration is a separate thing from external anal play. The anal sphincter is exquisitely sensitive and enjoys very light touch with well-lubricated fingers or a soft, caressing tongue. Both external and penetrative anal stimulation are additional sensations that can make powerful accompaniments to clitoral/penile or vaginal stimulation. Layers of stimulation, like whole body, plus clitoral, plus vaginal, plus anal, piled up gradually as a person gets more and more aroused makes for a highly intense experience that will make your toes curl and your eyes roll up in your head.

the honeymoon phase

By request: Is there a honeymoon phase? Does it end? Yes. And yes. The honeymoon phase is made of attachment, the wildly powerful biological experience we tend to call “falling in love.” (I’m such a romantic, eh?) It can last, oh, maybe about 4 years, give or take. It has to end. That passionate phase is actually quite stressful – delicious and wonderful, but stressful, with its constantly heightened emotional state and the lack of sleep and the replacing food with sex. That shit can kill you! So yeah, it goes away – or, more accurately, it develops into something