single on valentine’s day

It’s Valentine’s Day. Thank GOD I’m single. You too? I know, it’s so much better. No disappointment when the significant other fails to provide any evidence that they think about you when you’re not standing in front of them. No comparing what your S.O. did to what your friends’ S.O.’s did and wondering if you couldn’t do better. No struggling to think of something glorious and special and original to do for the S.O., only to discover that every idea it’s possible to have has already been had and you’re doomed to reproducing something from a movie. No awkward “Is

Hey, Beautiful

Let me introduce to you the thinking girls’ crumpet David Mitchell, of brain and eyes and epeolatry (uh, she said iambic pentameter-ously). It’s important that you know who he is just in principle, but also because he is sand in my oyster. (Ooh er.) There is little I can say that he can’t say better – funnier, clearer, more memorable – but whenever he writes about women, he always lands slightly to one side of what’s important. This combination of clever and wrong, it nudges at me like a demanding cat; I’m busy, I’m reading, but the cat shoves her

the best valentine’s gift

PSSSSSSST! Hey you! I know there are people out there who are in relationships – by which I mean everyone I know is in a relationship – and probably at least some of you would like a new idea for Valentine’s Day. So here it is, only SHHHHHHHH! Don’t tell the S.O.! Appreciation. I know, you thought I was gonna say some kind of mind-blowing sex trick, right? But the thing about mind-blowing sex tricks is that ANYTHING sexual can be mind-blowing if it’s done with confidence and joy. Bringing confidence and joy with you into bed = mind-blowing sex


One of the things sexuality educators, counselors, and therapists need to learn is how not to be shocked. No matter what someone says about their sex life, staying neutral and unsurprised is the only way to maintain that person’s trust. Example: If you tell me you enjoy masturbating with your childhood teddy bear and I react with a grimace of disgust, you’ll feel bad, right? Judged. Guilty. Shamed. When really, so what? If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anybody, why not? So I don’t grimace. I smile gently and ask, “And how does that work out for you?”

…notting hill, bridget jones, four weddings.

I mentioned in a previous post that I’d tell you later about attachment. I had a conversation with a student today that made “later” now. So. Human infants are utterly dependent on their adult caregivers. They can’t run away from predators or wash themselves to prevent infection or even thermoregulate particularly well – leave a baby on the ground and it will just freeze to death overnight, unless a lion eats it first. And babies are a pain in the ass. They’re loud, they produce noisome fluids, they wake you up in the middle of the night, they’re heavy and

dating game theory

I just spent an hour trying to work out the payoff matrix of dating in college, as represented in the NYT. (Need I remind readers that I am a nerd?) I did this because when I read the article it struck me that only a minority of people are actually satisfied by the system, which promotes anonymous hook-ups and makes it difficult to find a more substantial relationship. Yet that minority is clearly in control. How can this be? I think the problem boils down to this: if you want a “relationship” (as opposed to a random hook-up), the relationship

Orgasm 1

The thing I get asked about more than anything else is orgasm – specifically, women’s orgasms. How to have them, how to give them, how to have better ones, how to enjoy them more, why they are they way they are…. orgasms. They’re a Big Deal. So I’ve made a Top 10 list. 10 things to know about women’s orgasms. Here’s Thing 1. Orgasms during intercourse. I recently mentioned in passing that about 1/3 of women are reliably orgasmic from penetration, another 1/3 are sometimes orgasmic from penetration, and the remaining third are never or almost never orgasmic from penetration.

anatomy: ala

anatomy: ala

There are many body parts that you might not know have names! Many of them are excellent boggle words. Many of them should be used more often in erotica, rather than the tired old standards. My newest favorite example: Ala. The wing of the nostril (or naris – another good vocab word). Each has a wishbone of a muscle responsible for expanding and contracting the nostril, and each has an abundant blood supply and heavy enervation. Sensitive. Ala. Start using it in everyday conversation. Impress your friends!