what women want (2)

We’re looking at What Women Want Wednesday again. This is the second in the I-don’t-know-how-many-parts series. This week women want… … to be wanted. I mean waaaaaanted. Without that feeling of being wanted… well, it’s awful to feel that your partner is only interested in sex generically and that you’re just the most readily available, adequate source of this high-demand, low-supply commodity. “I want to get laid, and you’re here,” she can hear you think as you inattentively huff your way toward the inevitable sweaty disappointment that is post-coitus with you. I mean. She wants you to be obsessed by

irony in bed

I love when this happens. At the same time that I write about self-monitoring (spectatoring) and its effect on women’s orgasms, the NYT does me a favor and writes about self-monitoring (ironic monitoring) on sleep. Notice: different behavior, same dynamic. When you are trying to do something that would otherwise be a natural reaction of your body to internal and external stimuli, you actually make it less likely that your body will do it. I saw Dan Wegner give a talk way back in 1997, when he presented data on people’s ability to hold a pendulum still. Goes like this:

orgasm 4: performance anxiety

“Spectatoring” is the art of worrying about sex while you’re having it. Rather than paying attention to the pleasant and tingly things your body is experiencing, it’s like you’re floating above the bed watching, noticing how your breasts fall or the squish of cottage cheese on the back of your thigh or the roll at your belly or…. you’re worried about the sex you’re having, instead of enjoying the sex you’re having. And worry is the opposite of arousal. It is the anti-arousal. Because anxiety slams on the brakes of your sexual inhibition system. Turning off anxiety eases off the

loving the wrong person… or species.

I just came across this and I had to share it. So, go download this brilliant Radiolab episode and fastforward to minute 52. There you’ll find the story of a wildlife photographer who fell in love with a leopard seal. You’ll notice him describing the symptoms of attachment – he can’t wait to see her again in the morning, he thinks about her all the time, he thinks she’s really beautiful… and no wonder. First of all the leopard seal spends days trying to care for him by offering him penguins to eat, showing him how to eat penguins, and

anatomy: fourchette

anatomy: fourchette

Fourchette. As I mentioned in my homage to the clitoris, there is an ill-attended part of the female anatomy known as the fourchette, or the “frenulum of the labia minora.” It’s the delicate fold of skin along the posterior (lower) rim of the vaginal opening. It’s the female homologue of the male frenulum, and the frenulum may be the single most important part of the penis. It’s the y-shaped junction of the head to the shaft, where the foreskin, if it’s intact, attaches to the shaft. It’s loaded with nerve endings. When men masturbate, it’s quite typical for them to stroke

How do I make them fall in love with me? (a.k.a., “Hope is the Bitch”)

“How can I make the person I like like me back?” The heartbreak in this question just kills me, and I can scarcely bring myself to respond, so hopeless is the answer. But. It’s a useful illustration of the important concept of distance management, so let’s have a swing at it, eh? ANSWER A (plausible but unlikely): When you’re in proximity-seeking mode, your goal is to close the distance between you and your object of attachment – physical distance and emotional distance. People have different needs in terms of emotional (and physical) space. As you’re closing the space, if the

do you know when you want it?

This is the sort of thing I forget people don’t know. Female sexual response is typically characterized by “responsive desire,” while male sexual response is more likely characterized by “spontaneous desire.” (I’m going for biological categories rather than social categories here because the research is based on male- and female-bodied people, without reference to social role.) “Responsive desire” is when motivation to have sex begins AFTER sexual behavior has started. As in, you’re doing something else when your partner comes over and starts kissin’ on ya, and you go, “Oh yeah! That’s a good idea!” Or you and your partner

homage to the clitoris

homage to the clitoris

It’s the hokey pokey – it’s what it’s all about. It’s two turn tables and a microphone – it’s where it’s at. It’s a Visa card – it’s everywhere you want to be. It’s the clitoris and I can’t say enough about it. Averaging just one-eighth the size of a penis, yet loaded with nearly double the nerve endings, it is the only human organ with no function other than pleasure. The penis? Bah! Urination, penetration, ejaculation. It’s a workhorse, a solid and reliable trooper, but without the finesse or precision of the clitoris. Watson to the clitoris’s Holmes. Biologically,