How do I make them fall in love with me? (a.k.a., “Hope is the Bitch”)

“How can I make the person I like like me back?” The heartbreak in this question just kills me, and I can scarcely bring myself to respond, so hopeless is the answer. But. It’s a useful illustration of the important concept of distance management, so let’s have a swing at it, eh? ANSWER A (plausible but unlikely): When you’re in proximity-seeking mode, your goal is to close the distance between you and your object of attachment – physical distance and emotional distance. People have different needs in terms of emotional (and physical) space. As you’re closing the space, if the

do you know when you want it?

This is the sort of thing I forget people don’t know. Female sexual response is typically characterized by “responsive desire,” while male sexual response is more likely characterized by “spontaneous desire.” (I’m going for biological categories rather than social categories here because the research is based on male- and female-bodied people, without reference to social role.) “Responsive desire” is when motivation to have sex begins AFTER sexual behavior has started. As in, you’re doing something else when your partner comes over and starts kissin’ on ya, and you go, “Oh yeah! That’s a good idea!” Or you and your partner

homage to the clitoris

homage to the clitoris

It’s the hokey pokey – it’s what it’s all about. It’s two turn tables and a microphone – it’s where it’s at. It’s a Visa card – it’s everywhere you want to be. It’s the clitoris and I can’t say enough about it. Averaging just one-eighth the size of a penis, yet loaded with nearly double the nerve endings, it is the only human organ with no function other than pleasure. The penis? Bah! Urination, penetration, ejaculation. It’s a workhorse, a solid and reliable trooper, but without the finesse or precision of the clitoris. Watson to the clitoris’s Holmes. Biologically,

“grim, dowdy, aggrieved and passé”

Thanks to Rachel for this article by Susan J. Douglas, deliciously written and dazzlingly clear about a topic I’ve found to be, at best, operose to discuss unless you’re glad to sound like a shrew, a prude, or an irrelevancy. Truly, it’s wonderful to read and I won’t be at all offended if you ignore my post and go read Douglas’s article instead. Still here? Aw, that’s nice. So. “Enlightened sexism” is a term I’ve been searching for all my life; now that I’ve found it, we’ll build a little nest, enlightened sexism and I, and we’ll settle down for

what women want (1)

Thanks to Brody’s useful comment, I’ve decided to spend a bunch of time focused on helping men understand women. We are, it’s true, a complex stew of contradictory feelings and ideas. We are mysterious and sometimes demanding. But we’re AMAZING and totally worth the effort! So each one of these will identify something that women want, and offer some ideas about how to give it to them. First thing women want: Women want to feel good about their bodies. But it’s really, really, really, really, really, really difficult in the face of multiple generations of pressure from the media to

orgasm 3: vibration

There are two things I’d like everyone in the universe to know about women, orgasms, and vibrators: First, 95% of women who masturbate do so with no vaginal penetration (see Orgasm 1). So even though many quality sex toy shops feature a rows of phallic vibrators lined up like soldiers, with oscillating heads and beaded shafts and god only know what else, and even though these displays make an awe-inspiring, wallet-opening presentation, in fact most of women’s masturbation involves clitoral stimulation alone. Don’t get me wrong, ain’t nothin’ wrong with penetrative masturbation, heck no, I just wanna make sure ya’ll

anatomy: philtrum

anatomy: philtrum

Philtrum. The divot between your nose and your lip. It has no purpose – it’s a spandrel, a byproduct of what happens when your face assembles itself while you’re a fetus and it’s not particularly sensitive, but it is a GREAT visual cue that you can use to draw attention to your lips. Dab of lipgloss right at the center of your top lip. Excellent. It’s apparently also a good focal point for your attention while practicing yoga, according to friend Patrick.

how sex works

The best way to think about sexual arousal is the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, a newish theory developed at the Kinsey Institute by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft. As you might guess from the name, the dual control modelhas two parts: Sexual Excitation System (SES) – SES is the gas pedal of your sexuality, responding to sexually relevant stimuli in the environment, from visual stimuli to tactile stimuli and everything in between. It constantly scans the environment (including your own thoughts and feelings) for things that are sexually appealing and as it finds things, it sends signals from