the best valentine’s gift

PSSSSSSST! Hey you! I know there are people out there who are in relationships – by which I mean everyone I know is in a relationship – and probably at least some of you would like a new idea for Valentine’s Day. So here it is, only SHHHHHHHH! Don’t tell the S.O.! Appreciation. I know, you thought I was gonna say some kind of mind-blowing sex trick, right? But the thing about mind-blowing sex tricks is that ANYTHING sexual can be mind-blowing if it’s done with confidence and joy. Bringing confidence and joy with you into bed = mind-blowing sex


One of the things sexuality educators, counselors, and therapists need to learn is how not to be shocked. No matter what someone says about their sex life, staying neutral and unsurprised is the only way to maintain that person’s trust. Example: If you tell me you enjoy masturbating with your childhood teddy bear and I react with a grimace of disgust, you’ll feel bad, right? Judged. Guilty. Shamed. When really, so what? If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anybody, why not? So I don’t grimace. I smile gently and ask, “And how does that work out for you?”

…notting hill, bridget jones, four weddings.

I mentioned in a previous post that I’d tell you later about attachment. I had a conversation with a student today that made “later” now. So. Human infants are utterly dependent on their adult caregivers. They can’t run away from predators or wash themselves to prevent infection or even thermoregulate particularly well – leave a baby on the ground and it will just freeze to death overnight, unless a lion eats it first. And babies are a pain in the ass. They’re loud, they produce noisome fluids, they wake you up in the middle of the night, they’re heavy and

dating game theory

I just spent an hour trying to work out the payoff matrix of dating in college, as represented in the NYT. (Need I remind readers that I am a nerd?) I did this because when I read the article it struck me that only a minority of people are actually satisfied by the system, which promotes anonymous hook-ups and makes it difficult to find a more substantial relationship. Yet that minority is clearly in control. How can this be? I think the problem boils down to this: if you want a “relationship” (as opposed to a random hook-up), the relationship

Orgasm 1

The thing I get asked about more than anything else is orgasm – specifically, women’s orgasms. How to have them, how to give them, how to have better ones, how to enjoy them more, why they are they way they are…. orgasms. They’re a Big Deal. So I’ve made a Top 10 list. 10 things to know about women’s orgasms. Here’s Thing 1. Orgasms during intercourse. I recently mentioned in passing that about 1/3 of women are reliably orgasmic from penetration, another 1/3 are sometimes orgasmic from penetration, and the remaining third are never or almost never orgasmic from penetration.

anatomy: ala

anatomy: ala

There are many body parts that you might not know have names! Many of them are excellent boggle words. Many of them should be used more often in erotica, rather than the tired old standards. My newest favorite example: Ala. The wing of the nostril (or naris – another good vocab word). Each has a wishbone of a muscle responsible for expanding and contracting the nostril, and each has an abundant blood supply and heavy enervation. Sensitive. Ala. Start using it in everyday conversation. Impress your friends!

How to have a good personality

There is a lot of science (well, let’s say there is a lot of “science”) about mate choice, what’s attractive to whom and what that means for us as a species. For example, in general we, all of us humans, prefer healthy, fertile, socially successful, rich people whose immune systems differ from our own (see Red Queen Hypothesis). One guy, Geoffrey Miller, proposes that the profligacy of the human cortex (the “thinking” part of the human brain) is due to women’s evolutionary preference for the smart ones, the creative ones, the musical and lyrical ones. Of course he also thinks


It’s not my goal to be a downer, but I can’t let this one go. Maybe it’s because I’m going to see the Vagina Monologues tomorrow and so I’ve got violence against women on the brain. In December, in Turkey, the body of a 16 year old girl was unearthed with “large amounts of soil in her lungs and stomach.” She was buried alive by her father because she talked to boys – an “honor killing.” I would like us not to be numb to this one, so let me say that again: Buried. Alive. By her father. Because she