boys and the hookup culture

Here’s what a lot of men say to me:

“Well, but I think it’s true that a lot of men are just after sex and they don’t want relationships…. Not me – any random, non-relationship sex I’ve had was initiated by HER – but most other straight dudes aren’t like me.”

I have yet to meet even one man who says, “Yeah, I’m mostly just looking to get laid these days. I don’t want a relationship, I really just want to have sex.”

It could be that at least some of these men are lying to me, absolutely.

It could be that the men who tell me about their sex lives are wildly non-representative – though I would mention that my sample does include your notional “frat boy” type.

Or it could be, couldn’t it, that we’re all told the same story about what it’s like to be a guy, and all the guys out there are busy believing that it applies to most men, even though it doesn’t apply to themselves….

My theory is that it’s quite a small proportion of men who actually prefer relationship-free sex, and that the idea of women “competing for men on men’s terms” is driven by an untruth about men’s desires, which men are unwilling to contradict in public, for fear of being thought a wuss for not wanting all the sex they can get, no matter who it’s with or how it happens.

So I’m putting out a call: if you are a male bodied, congruently gendered boytype who just wants anonymous sex and doesn’t want a relationship at all, please comment. If you have ever, in the past, had such a time in your life, please comment. If you know someone like this, who has mentioned that this is true, please send them this way and ask them to comment. Surely there are SOME of you out there.

And if you’re a boytype who’s willing to say out loud: “Yes, I prefer sex with someone I know and like” or “Yes, I prefer sex in the context of a mutually respectful and caring relationship” or anything similar, please say that too.

In this instance, I’m okay with anonymous comments (though if I know you, I’d appreciate a hint to that effect.)

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?