pleasure is the measure: one simple rule to radically improve your sex life

pleasure is the measure: one simple rule to radically improve your sex life

I’ve been getting a lot of emails lately from people who are struggling with sex in a wide variety of ways:   My partner wants to have sex but I’m not sure I’m ready, but I also feel bad about the fact that I’m not ready. and   I look back at all the sex I’ve had and I realize that I was only having it because I felt like I was supposed to, and now I realize I don’t even know what sex is supposed to feel like. and   My partner and I love each other but have

Flibanserin, the FDA, and the longing for spontaneous sexual desire

Flibanserin, the FDA, and the longing for spontaneous sexual desire

The FDA Advisory Committee voted 18-6 to recommend approval of Flibanserin, the twice-failed antidepressant being marketed as “pink Viagra.” Quick summary: the drug increases “sexually satisfying events” by one per month over placebo, and roughly 13% of women who take it experience side effects like somnolence, dizziness, and nausea.   I watched as much as I could of the live webcast, particularly during the open comment section, when women who’ve struggled with low desire described their longing for something, anything to help them. It was very moving, and I believe that it was for those women that the committee members voted

AASECT update

Just a quick note for folks: I mentioned that I would upload my slides from my talk, “In the Middle… of the Brain: Affective Neuroscience for Sex Professionals,” to my blog.   Here they are.   I also mentioned some worksheets for the dual control model and sexual context and stress management. They are here.   Thank you all for the amazing work you do, in every domain and with every population!

audiobook of Come as You Are!

One of the things I’ve been busy doing instead of writing blog posts is reading the entirety of my book out loud, while sitting in a tiny sound-proof room. The result is now available for pre-order here. (iTunes coming soon!) And here’s a sample! The audiobook matters a lot to me because it makes the book accessible to people with learning differences and visual impairments. I’m really, really, really excited about it.

the one reason I haven’t shared that tea/consent thing

the one reason I haven’t shared that tea/consent thing

Lots of people have shared it with me, the “Consent: not actually that complicated” thing, including the little video. Summary: you wouldn’t force tea on someone who doesn’t want tea, and the same applies to sex. It’s funny and true and great. I haven’t shared it. It’s not that I don’t like it or agree with it – I do (though I’m still looking for evidence that consent education actually prevents sexual violence. I know it sounds counterintuitive at first, but think about it: the problem is not that the majority of sexual perpetrators DON’T KNOW what consent is; it’s that

a new metaphor for desire every week

Here’s a thing they don’t tell you about writing a book: once you’ve written the book, you are not done writing. If you’re very, very lucky, they’ll ask you to write a ton of other stuff, too. Stuff that people can read to make them go, “Hey that was interesting! Where can I learn more? Oh, there’s a whole book of this? Great!” I’m very, very lucky, and so I haven’t written any blog posts for a month because I’ve been busy writing for everyone else on the internet. The trick is to come up with a new way of describing the

stay curious: the secret skill that will help you change your sex life… and the world

stay curious: the secret skill that will help you change your sex life… and the world

I’ve been hearing from people who’ve begun trying to explain ideas from the book to other people – like, arousal nonconcordance and that sex is not a drive – and people just flat out don’t believe them. My careful collection of hundreds of academic references isn’t even a little bit persuasive. Boy do I hear that. Every semester a student says to me, “I walked into this class thinking I already knew a lot about sex, so it would be an easy and fun class, but…” “It’s not easy or fun?” I ask. “Oh it’s fun, but it is not easy. I

this was the best thing that could have happened to me on International Women’s Day

The Sunday Times ran six letters to the editor about my op ed about how responsive desire is not a disease. Only one of them agrees with me. But that one letter? It was from Judy Norsigian. If that name doesn’t send chills of feminist fangirling down your spine, it should. Judy Norsigian is one of the founders and Executive Director of the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective, which is responsible for Our Bodies, Ourselves, and a cultural leader in the idea that women’s best source of wisdom about their bodies is their own body. Our Bodies, Our Blog is an outstanding